some things are such constant themes in life that i sometimes wonder about how much of them are self-inflicted and how much are just environmental.
it is a fact, 99% of my friends are male. i just do not get along with women that well. mostly because of the whole competition thing, but also because i’m not interested or willing to play the social games that seem to be common and expected. i begin to think it is stamped on my forehead, too…. because women are, it seems, naturally disinclined toward me.
i am not a rude person. i am not prone to aggressive behavior. but inevitably, when i meet a woman, within ten minutes or so, they’re vacating proximity, and making it quite clear non-verbally that somehow, something has been picked up.
another fact is that the majority of my male friends seem to like me (or have directly stated they do) because ‘i’m not like most women’.
blergh. it’s a good thing and a very bad thing. for what i would consider ‘obvious’ reasons. but i wonder if they are, actually, obvious to anyone but me.
i usually wind up being ‘big sister’ or ‘gender neutral friend’ to my male friends. they just do not view me as female. how do i know? because they talk to me about their girlfriends. or they tell me things that they simply would not tell me were they in any shape, fashion, or form looking at me or thinking of me as ‘female’.
and it seems that the only men who are attracted to me on a regular basis…. are married. what the FUCK is up with that?
bleh. i mean…. i have a theory… but it is not very flattering to men in general. i’m not going to share it.
suffice to say the only men who seem interested in me and who are not married are men looking for rescue or men who think because i am strong and independent, they won’t have to ‘worry about’ having to make a commitment.
i’ll not be telling you how *wonderful* THAT makes me feel. imagine it. i’m pretty sure if you read here, you can without much difficulty.
the sad part is, i’m just not willing to be ‘helpless’ to attract a man… and there just do not seem to be (m)any men out there who grok the concept that yes, i like being independent and smart, but that doesn’t mean i wouldn’t like to settle down. and just because i seem strong doesn’t mean i wouldn’t appreciate not having to be all the time.
i wish i could meet myself as a man. or at least a close approximation thereof… instead of constantly meeting men i could fall for, only they’re kind of unavailable…. or unbalanced… or insecure to the point of paranoia. or married. =/
i dunno. it isn’t ‘bothering’ me like it does sometimes… i’m just kind of sitting here grousing aloud about it. i dated a fellow for about six months from late 2006 to early 2007 and he dropped me like a hot potato because he knew i was looking for a life partner and he was just looking for a good time. i suppose i should be glad he didn’t string me on, but he knew that about me when he met me… so maybe he did.
before him, we’d have to reach back to 2003-2004. and i’m not able to say much of that relationship other than it was need, not love… and while being needed is nice, what i need is more than being needed.
i suppose i count it something of a leap of progress that i no longer consider early 2006 of relevance in this subject.
let’s see, before that… it would have to be the seven year relationship with one of the many rick’s i’ve known in life. that was a disaster. yet another ‘no commitments’ fellow, only this one didn’t mind stringing me along.
i dunno. it seems to me that it’s a catch 22. if i don’t hold out for what i know i need, i’m going to have another disaster on my hands… and if i do, i may just wind up alone.
what to do. hmmmm.