late night rambling hyponogogic thing. whatever.
these last days i have thought of you more often
oddly and without deliberation they arrive
whispers of memory and snippets of prose
favorite lines and concepts that once
i had hoped to twine into lattices
of friendship, of closeness and care
back before i realized
there were no seasons
in the world we shared
only winter
sun, moon, and stars, i remember
how you loved space, and campfires
how everything was a metaphor
i remember thinking about how
you were the first person
i’d ever met who
actually thought like i did
how exhilarating it was
and how frightening
and how hopeful i felt that
perhaps
i would not have to feel this alone
forever
someone asked me yesterday
if i still thought about you
and until that moment, no
i could safely say i had not
in months, but, there
your name curled into my ear again
suddenly i could not speak
my throat closed and a gateway
collapsed and there was this
tightness in my soul
like a strand of something
pulled taunt, tight, and tender
it snapped and in spite of myself
i felt the tears coming
i do not get angry at myself
for crying anymore
or at you
it’s acceptable to cry
and to wish it had been
most people know better
than to ask and i had not
told this friend that the edges
are still sore or that
sometimes, it still bleeds
they said to me softly,
over many miles,
“he hurt you very badly,
didn’t he?”
i think they heard the nod
they didn’t ask again
i dreamt of you again
first time in forever it seems
you were trying to tell me something
but i would not listen
unwilling to hear soft words
knowing the ugly ones that
are whispered in places where
i cannot hear them
i think the thing i miss the most
is the feeling of trusting you