i am learning, every day, every moment.
a good bit of the process of the practice is to find the way to tame the mind, to rest in the state of ‘as is’, being something like a feather, floating. not detached, fully engaged, but without a sense of ‘must’ or ‘need’, to interact and react without the sense of self or its grabbiness getting in the way.
it often seems odd how learning arrives in very inelegant splashes. if you go back through the last oh… three years or so, there are moments that are like flashes in the (brain) pan, here and gone and not much more to say.
maybe it is the solitude, maybe it is the practice, maybe it is just being too tired to reach, but whatever the reason, things are starting to feel very level and grounded. on the other hand, i have strange urges lately to leap into more depth than seems reasonable for where i feel i am inside my head. hard to explain, so i won’t.
most interestingly, of late, it becomes possible to consider things that were once very hurtful to even think on without hurting. i say it is interesting because it was completely unexpected. that isn’t to say there aren’t a few hundred more (easily) jostling to take the space they leave open… but it seems auspicious that this is happening at all.
i spent a good deal of time today struggling with myself in relation to a particular wish here, in this holiday moment. in the end, judging it extremely foolish and very likely without any hope of delivering the good i would intend, i resisted.
well, not precisely. i fluttered about and wrote and recorded and then, having it out of my system, deleted them. but the result is the same. so i am content.
i’ve put myself on something of a personal retreat. no timeframe in mind. it just felt like it was time to close doors and be with myself. hung a sign on my front door advising whomever might knock that this is the case, and while i’m willing to aid anyone in distress, i would otherwise appreciate the solitude.
obviously it is difficult to manage a full retreat as i would prefer with having to work and whatnot, but as one can, one does. it’s been almost a month now. the shift of focus is rather profound. i find i’m pouring a lot out onto paper. most of it is not appearing here.
i consider the initial intent of having this place be fully anonymous and how it has changed over time. i’m not certain if it were wise to open the doors, as it were. of course, done is done, and no real regrets. but i think of the things i might freely place here but for fretting it would disturb someone reading… and sigh.
there is more to be said, but sleep is calling. this is mostly a marker to myself. this is the moment in which something may definitely be felt to be changing.