isn’t that funny. i really did it. and all it took was doing it again. hah.
this is one of those posts that will only make sense to me or those who really know me or the current circumstances. so don’t pull anything trying to figure it out. (grin)
i said about, oh, ten times over two years that i was over it. four times i said goodbye. two times i said i was done. a lot of saying and not a lot of doing. truth was, i didn’t want to be done. or say goodbye. or be over it.
it was about 18 months until it stopped hurting. took two more to realize why it didn’t anymore. another four to understand why it never would again.
in this last month, i recorded one instance of truth and one note of farewell. i didn’t say goodbye because memory never goes away. and i think i want to remember what i wanted and how and why it was anything but bad.
but it is curious, funny, frightening, and a little bit ironic that the only way to manage it was to let myself do it again. i’m sure there’s something deep in that to understand, but for the moment, i’m content simply to see it at distance, and let it be the soothing that it is.
seasons change, people change, life is change, but that doesn’t mean that the things we experience and find beautiful have to do so. sometimes, the real beauty of it all isn’t that it was, or is, or might be…. it is simply that we can manage it at all.
that makes me smile. this too, is beautiful. and a good thing.