i have a meteorological neck. atop it sits my meteorological head. one to two days before a change in the weather, my neck aches. if it’s supposed to be a heavy shift in weather pattern, or something truly heavy duty is heading our way, i get a headache.
i just woke from a three hour nap because my neck and head felt like they were going to literally pop off my shoulders. i decide to check the internet (no tv, no radio, if you recall) and lo! an ice storm is heading our way.
well, heck, i knew something was coming.
this is how my life works, too. only it isn’t my neck and head when the fertilizer is about to hit the ventilator. it is my heart. if that makes sense. probably not. but still, this is the way of it. i know i’m off in the weeds or something truly horrific is about to happen because i have this incredible heavy weight in my chest. my heart, literally, becomes heavy.
now i’ve been heavy hearted before due to some silly thing or the other than i never should have thought were possible. that’s not the same as what i’m talking about here, though they use the same words. regrettable, that. perhaps it really is something i cannot define or explain to you. bleh.
actually, i’m sure i could manage it were i to work at it. hell, i explained Focus. i explained a lot of things along the way here. hrm. i think it’s becoming true that i begin to understand there’s no point to explaining. it’s kind of like trying to explain how you breathe. either you get it or you don’t. and if you do, you almost get it first on a visceral level that eventually makes it high enough for your temporal lobes to cough and spit out, “i say, ol’ chap… now there’s a thought!”
this last week was the heavy hearted sense of foreboding. i knew what it was in relation to. i spent about oh… a day wishing i didn’t, or that there were some other way, because the things being enjoyed were… enjoyable. bleh. sometimes this insistence upon discretion is really hard for my ego to put up with…. i’ll just say my greedy, selfish self wanted something very, very, very badly… like in a way it has not in quite a while.
usually, when this is the case, i just shrug and say, “ok, have it.” and i do. and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and most times whatever it was i was so interested in gets kind of beat up in the process. sometimes it lives through it, most times, it doesn’t.
i guess things, they are a’changing here, because a good part of me (like say, 8/10, if you know what the numbers mean) were just not willing to see a risk to ‘it’ survive. which is kind of amusing to me because it was a bit like a mutiny on the bounty. hah.
so, instead of ignoring my majority and indulging anyway, i gave the floor to that 8/10’th and let it speak. recorded it. then, listened to it and sent it along so the 2/10’ths would be stuck with it. (crooked smile)
and as expected, the heavy hearted feeling has disappeared. interesting how that works. when you truly care about anything or anyone in life, you know it because you care more for seeing the best happen than seeing what you want happen.
auspicious. perhaps. i try not to put too much on it, but the thought that i manage it at all makes me smile.