we stand in the attic, as always. stare down, eye to eye, her face closed tight and teeth showing, every muscle stretched taunt, rictus, glaring at me.
“you’re wrong.” i said, quiet and with certainty. “am i?” she snaps back.
“yes. this time, you are.” they are simple words. for all her voice is full of anger for the trusting tone in mine.
she doesn’t have a reply for me. she is not used to being challenged, not here, not by me. somewhere, somehow, suddenly, i didn’t want to sit quiet and bleed under her sharp words anymore.
i stood up and she immediately stopped and turned to face me. she’s never backed down from a fight. but then, she’s never had to fight me. i can see the indecision on her face, the way she wants to launch at me and how the ancient duty tugs and will not let her. she’s confused. i am tempted to laugh, but then i stop and think for a moment how life is from her perspective.
suddenly, i realize what she needs, more than anything. i lift my arms and reach for her, and the flinch is enough to break my heart right on the spot. i can’t help it, i start to cry, “oh sweetie, i’m not going to hit you. how could you ever think i would, i could?”
she is like stone. stiff, silent, unmoving. i take that step, the single one that separates us. standing there, within the inner circle, i drape my arms slowly around her. lay my face against her shoulder, quiet and still once more, hold her loosely… and say it again, “how could you ever think i would want to hurt you? don’t you know i love you?”
she shudders. once. full length, i can feel it pulsing up out of her core. i feel the drops on my right shoulder, there, under her chin. but i do not let on. she cannot stand to have others know she is crying. she knows they will mock her, make fun, taunt her for having feelings. so i say nothing, but gently hug her just a little tighter.
she endures it. i do not fool myself to think there will be some miracle. she is who and what she is, and with damn good reason. but this is a first. challenge without pain, acceptance that is free from condition or trap. she’s like an animal, you know. willing to receive but wary of even the slightest hint of pain. i know how tenuous this is, how truly fragile she is. i suppose there are many who would be surprised. but not me.
i say it slowly and without inflection, so she can hear it safely and not feel like she has to react, “it is different this time. and it is a good thing to be wrong about it. i know it doesn’t feel that way now. i know how many times you were willing to believe and suffered for it, were hurt for it. i know you have every right in the multiverse to distrust it. every right. and it’s ok if you do. but please, for me, don’t anticipate. try not to. for me. please. can you do this for me?”
it is a long silence. a very, very long silence. slowly, over the minutes, i feel her relax ever so slightly. a long inhale, held, then expelled quietly, slowly, warmly against my shoulder, “if you say so.” and suddenly, she is in motion. breaking contact, swinging away, striding back to the tunnel leading to her abyss. she growls over her shoulder, “i will never let you forget it if you’re wrong.”
i nod, “i know. i know you won’t. i accept that.”
she says nothing more, just vanishes into the darkness and depths.
i am shaky for it all, and glad when she is gone. i can feel myself slump as i all but stagger to my chair in the corner and fall into it. the moonlight streams silver comfort through the window… off in the corner, i see polaris.
involuntarily, my hand reaches for the sill and the old litany rises in whispers so long memorized that i often don’t realize i’m saying them until i hear them being said, “in any moment, it can change, in any moment, it can be different, in every moment all the infinite possibilities rest and the only thing that impedes them is me. i will not be the impediment any more. i will not be the reason that possibility passes by. i will not hide from risk only to insure the same results again and again. remember, oh remember, everything changes… and i am part of everything.”