i’m laughing at myself because i am at once worn out and exhilarated beyond all ability to convey.
i will tell you now, i never in a moment, ever, expected the kind of response that i am seeing. it is at once delightful and heart-breaking. so many people searching. i suppose this will sound odd, but i find myself regretting i cannot possibly be good to and there for all of them on the level for which they replied. limitations of humanity. sigh.
i am giddily happy for the thought of new friends. i consider posting a benign invitation to women to strike up friendships, make a coffee clatch, or something. seriously. i’d like to have a balanced group of men and women to enjoy life with and it seems this same pattern may be successfully applied to achieve it. so i contemplate that for a time until i feel i can manage it with the same right motivation and intent as is applied to this.
i have had a small and rather unexpected happening in relation to all this that i am wrestling with… i’ll not be saying much more than this of it. no, not even if you ask. the only one to whom i would be willing to set it forth has already received the telling. suffice to say i’m discovering new things and working to keep myself balanced in relation to them.
a small subset of these new friends are being given direction to this place. part of me feels it is required, part of me is kicking and running in circles and shouting, ‘YOU IDIOT!’ heh. if you know me at all, then you know it’s about the honesty, the trust, and the openness. got to walk the walk. so i am.
my daughter is positively crowing with happiness for me. i had not realized how concerned she was over my self-imposed exile (aka retreat). it’s amusing to have her call me daily for an update. it feels like role reversal. hah!
most interesting of all are the number of creative people i’m meeting as a result of this. musicians, artists, writers, fellow buddhists, an educator, a doctor, and a good many more who are just so amazingly and refreshingly open and literate and … well… like-minded… i’ve been holed up in my domicile entirely too long. this is good for me, to me.
best of all, there is a new spike of creative energy building in the back of my head. damn, but i can feel it. as usual, i’m not taking the lid off the pot. or, more accurately, not going to try to dig in the tar pit. heh. but i feel it burbling and the light pressure/presence of what will eventually be some cascading bit of creative output is forming.
it. feels. good.
two days ago, i savored a new friend at a local bookstore. today, i had lunch with an amazing fellow from the next town. tomorrow night, i meet an artist for coffee. the night after, a nurse for dinner. the next afternoon, a writer for a late lunch. a merry electrician on sunday. next saturday, a concert violinist for a quartet… though i am already chiding myself for not taking the the lead of a certain deity and RESTING. hah. i can’t help it. every last one of them are just… engaging, interesting, stimulating, intriguing. i have rested long enough. i can rest when i’m dead. i want to experience, explore, discover, savor, and delight.
and you know what? to quote my precious grandmother, “By crackie, I will, too!”
the nice part of this is that worst case scenario is i have a new group of friends to savor. and, of course, the best case scenario is that i finally find him… The Man Who Does Not Exist… find him in a manner that will allow me to give to him all that has waited so long to be given… and receive from him the same.
optimistic. yes. i am optimistic. perhaps cautiously so, but a merry caution. i can honestly say i have not felt so marvelously positive about circumstances and events in a very long time. it is a good feeling. stars above, it is a VERY good feeling.