i’m sure i’m not the only one who does this…. makes a decision, tells myself it is made, sets a marker of finality and then, some time later, blithely forgets it all and does something else entirely. maybe it’s part of being human.
talking around the specifics is something that is not as easy to do as it may seem. but i’m talking about how curious and interesting it is to ‘suddenly’ discover that things you had filed away as ‘done’ or decisions you had given yourself that ‘stern talking to’ about being ‘made’ are no more things that exist than are the history from which they rise.
i am reminded of a childhood friend that i thought i’d lost. they had gotten so very angry with me over something. up and disappeared. i tried to find them for a very long time. finally, despairing and weary, i gave up.
that was a good many years ago. i have thought of them since, of course. you know how i am. written about them here and there, included them in the many composite pieces here dealing with lost friends and cherished ones mourned.
a few years ago, they suddenly reappeared. face to face, standing there looking at one another, i was just so glad to see them, so happy to see they were still in the world, looking healthy, looking like life was being good to them. i remember how i laughed, smiled, and hugged them. and i remember how surprised they seemed.
we did not resume of course. it was the last i saw them. but it was enough to help me stop grieving…. enough to let me know they were ok and all the things i thought would be my final memories didn’t have to be… that i could let go and choose instead that last image, that somewhat bewildered smile, and to know they were well.
i am reminded of it because i bumped into someone today that i had not seen in a while. unexpectedly. instead of ignoring them and pretending i didn’t know they were there, i said hello as i could. nothing more, no reference to anything but the moment and, once again, just glad to know they are there, seemingly alright, doing well and content.
i won’t deny the ache of it; how i wished it was more than a flicker of presence. but even that thought is fleeting. we’re never able to change the world…. only ourselves. i’m just glad to know they are well.
it is enough.