hah. this is the day of the clock changing and i woke at 2am for no apparent reason. no, 3am, isn’t it? bleh. adjusting but still grousing. i’ve had a decidedly odd dream tonight whose source i understand, but am chuckling for…. kind of.
i may well be an alien for it, but i am always and utterly compelled toward the secretive. anyone who wants to hook me like a big-mouth bass need only hang the hint of a secret or some bit of reticence before me to find me immediately and without hesitation turn into the most completely absorbed kitten-after-string. it’s annoying, and often embarrassing, but i admit it because…. well…. what good would it do to deny it? hah.
it takes people off guard, though. actually, it seems to put them off. i still cannot help it. after a good many years of trying, i now freely admit this as well.
over the last few weeks, i’ve had someone (likely inadvertently, really) absolutely tormenting the life out of me by intermittently appearing and disappearing. now granted, there are strictly established boundaries in relation to getting to know them. most of these deal with differences in intent and goal, nonetheless (and as is common here), i’m eager to dive in, get to know them, and make a new friend.
they are as nebulous and transient as morning mist. just when i think they’ve disappeared entirely, they show up and toss a few bits of commentary my way, then… ‘poof’…. gone.
i decided several days ago that i had finally hit the limits of my own patience and politely told them so. naturally, this was a mistake i am now chuckling for… you know as well as i (if you read here at all) that the probability of me actually ‘giving up’ on a possibility for exploration and discovery are very precisely nil.
so i’d stuck myself in the position of having to ‘fess up to it. blargh. done and done, and i think i’m still blushing for it. of course, the quiet distends and stretches and my curiosity is just to pieces for it. but… as it will now, i’ve done all that may be done and we’ll see what comes of it.
but i mentioned a dream at the beginning of this, didn’t i? consider me grinning crookedly for the ways my brain refuses to let up, even in slumber.
actually, there were elements of several friends in this dream. i suspect my brain is trying to process and come to some degree of finality on the matter that the entire effort from early february to present has been somewhat a futility. here, precisely a month later, nothing has changed whatever except that i have what are essentially new pen pals. granted, two are pen pals with a promise to become real world friendships, but considering i’ve an entire address book of such pen pals who have remained at distance lo, these many years, you may correctly assume my perspective in relation to this outcome.
bleh. i’m hedging. a cough, a shrug, and on with it.
i dreamt i was sitting by a fountain, having coffee. it was a bright, sunny weekend day. the cafe was located on a square of some sort. i had the sense of being in the old world; italy, france, possible england. there were people about, but i could not hear them and didn’t have a sense of culture or language from them.
i sipped my coffee and waited. i was waiting for someone to arrive. in the dream, i wasn’t sure who it was, but i knew (!!) they were scheduled to be here. this place had been picked rather specifically by them and confirmed with me over weeks of email correspondence. i’d tried on several occasions to have them migrate to telephone, but with no success, so i was really quite enthused that i was at last going to meet them and satisfy myself with visual, aural, and active presence.
a voice whispered from behind me, “hello there. don’t turn around.” i chuckled aloud and nodded, “very well. hello to you, too. i was beginning to wonder if you would show up.” they chuckled and i could hear the thread of mild embarrassment in the voice. it was a good voice; strong and steady, not at all thready or anxious. it made me feel comforted and it made me smile. it was the voice of a strong spirit, a thing for which i had been hopeful.
“this is going to be an unusual meeting. will you trust me enough to remain as you are, and agree not to turn around?” i considered it for a moment, my innate curiosity and impatience and a mild frustration warring with my interest in knowing more of them, “if you will agree that when whatever oddness requires this is satisfied, i will be permitted to see you.”
now it was their turn to ponder. the quiet stretched a few seconds, which thoroughly aroused the remainder of my curiosity. it was, quite literally, all i could do not to swing about and be done with it. they seemed to sense it and said, “fair enough.” i nodded again and asked, “may i ask you to tell me about yourself?”
they laughed and i could hear their splashing at the water in the fountain as they did so, “certainly! i live and work in this area. my interests and profession deal with tourism and engineering solutions for wireless networks. i spend a lot of time here, actually, refining portal, submersible wireless systems.”
“submersible?” i queried, my interest jumping at a thing that implied both the unknown and a chance to have him speak longer. i could hear the grin in his voice as he continued, “indeed. in a place like this, with water everywhere, it behooves us to develop technology that allows for a good drenching without ruining things.”
i laughed aloud. already today, i had seen three people lose their pda, laptop, and cell phone respectively to just such accidents, “i wager it will be a welcome thing when completed, given the number of people i’ve seen only since being here who’ve lost their things to the water.” he asked me if i’d mind sharing the details and i recounted one tourist who dropped her pda while trying to take a picture, a fellow who accidentally tipped his laptop into the fountain while using the wall of it as a desk, and the teen who managed to launch her cell phone into the nearby canal when her texting was interrupted by a friend.
he chuckled, “precisely. i should say you’ve seen almost the entirety of the motivation behind our latest project.” i latched onto the qualifier, “almost the entirety? what else is there?”
there was silence. i waited, but there was no reply. shifting in my seat, my coffee empty, i took the moment to stand, saying, “excuse me, i seem to be in need of another coffee. i’ll be right back.” i was grinning as i said it, as the cafe was behind me and it would mean i got to turn early to see him.
but when i swung around, there was no one there. i stood there for a moment in puzzlement, my mind working at possibilities and judging distances from where i sat to what could possible provide ‘cover’ enough for him to utterly disappear. i was mildly annoyed at having been anticipated, but also for perturbed that he would actually run away rather than have me see him.
i looked to the koi in the fountain, “great,” i said to them, “why is it i always seem to attract the odd ones?” their oblivious nibbling at the water’s surface reminded me i was being silly and i set off to the cafe for my refill.
settling in with a fresh coffee, i looked out over the canal and pondered it. having all but concluded he’d gotten cold feet and abandoned me, i was preparing to depart for other things when i heard from behind me, “that wasn’t very polite of you. you did promise to wait until our conversation was concluded.”
i huffed a bit and eventually managed to get out, “how the hell did you manage that? not only did i not hear you leave, i cannot for the life of me figure out how you moved fast enough to be out of my line of sight when i turned!” he chuckled, “let’s just say i’m fast and leave it at that, shall we?” it was a good natured request, and i let myself be mollified, “hmph. good enough i suppose. but you’re going to have to tell me how you did that eventually.”
he didn’t laugh again, but i could hear the humor in his voice, “yes, of course. eventually. but until then, tell me of yourself?” and so the conversation continued, his quick and timely questions weaving skillfully between my answers and the control of the conversation easily shared between us, i was surprised how easily i adjusted to not seeing him, eventually forgetting about the urge to turn around until i absently noticed that the sun was setting before me.
“good grief, what time is it?” i looked at my naked wrist and mentally chided myself for forgetting my watch. “it’s about 9:00 pm local time,” he answered smoothly, “have you eaten today?” i laughed, “i had a very small continental breakfast and nothing but these two coffees.” sitting up, i prepared to turn around, “would you like to get something to eat?”
i heard a sudden movement and a light splashing as he moved away from the fountain, “no, actually, i cannot leave the area just yet. but i wouldn’t keep you hungry.” he paused a moment, “i suppose you want to turn around now, yes?” i was lightly surprised at the sudden coolness of his tone, “well of course!” i replied with spirit, “i’ve been here quite some time wondering what color your eyes were, and what i would notice of you by your attire.” but i refrained and dutifully waited for his agreement.
“well, it was agreed. i suppose now is as good a time as any to do it.” his voice was so uncertain that i marveled for it, “to do what?” i asked. “to constrain the future by adding perspective and labels to things,” he said.
intrigued, i settled into the chair and asked, “whatever do you mean?” he sighed, “well, all this time we’ve been talking and sharing with one another and in it, nothing more than exploration and discovery and enjoyment. but as soon as you turn around, what you see and what you think of what you see are going to alter everything.” he actually sighed again, then continued, “you can’t help it. no one can. you’ll take in what you see, you’ll make decisions. i’ll take in what i see, i’ll make decisions. things will change. it will never again be as it is in this moment, with the two of us just being free with one another and able to say and be and share anything.”
i considered it for a moment and realized this was something that actually meant a lot to him. the depth of the idea that only with the question mark hanging between us could we ever really know the fullness of infinite possibility. i said very somberly, “i do not think i’ve ever heard this out of another human being before. i thought i was the only one who actually thought like this.”
i heard his impatient splash in the fountain as he replied, “it matters. how much of life is eliminated or forever altered because we’re so busy forming our opinions that we either forget or abandon the simple act of being and delighting in life?” i nodded and murmured a wordless agreement and he continued, “can i tell you how many times i have watched couples meet here? how many times one or both of them have gone from that open, enthused, excited giddiness of possibility to the closed, cold, distant, withdrawal from one another?”
i sat there and listened, stunned, really. he spoke like i thought and i was a bit breathless for hearing my own thoughts and words by his voice. he pressed on, with a passion and vibrancy that had me all but frozen in place, “the very idea that minds and spirits connect and share something beautiful with one another, only to starve it and watch it die for such transient, shallow things as how they dress, or how they look, or how well they conform to a wholly superficial standard of outer attractiveness.”
he had me trembling for it, how many times had i spoken such words to my friends? to my children? my friends often laughed at me for it, chiding me because i would never suffer such, so why did it matter to me? my daughter, falling over on the sofa in gales of laughter, “mom! why does it matter to you? you’re gorgeous!” none of them ever quite understood how or why it mattered to me.
i had a feeling he would understand, and the notion that i had actually managed to stumble over someone, quite accidentally, who GOT IT…. who understood, who had come to the same conclusions, and could express them easily as well as i did…. it excited me. i felt close to him, stranger that he was. i wanted to know him. i wanted to swim in the presence of him and explore every bit of him, slowly.
“you are afraid i will not find you attractive?” i managed to ask. his bark of laughter and again, that restless splash as he played in the fountain while we talked, “who doesn’t fear being rejected for things they cannot help rather than accepted for things they can?”
i nodded slowly, “true enough. i feel that way quite often myself.” he replied simply and solemnly, “i cannot imagine anyone would be fool enough to reject you… for any reason.”
i felt tears come into my eyes. he had no way to know…. and i was oddly reluctant to tell him, “thank you for that.” perceptively, he asked in mild astonishment, “you’re crying? why?!?” i shook my head, “it isn’t important. but there is something that is….” he queried, “and what would that be?”
“i would like very much to see you right now,” i all but whispered. he sighed, softly, “we did agree. and i suppose now is as good a time as any.” when nothing more was forthcoming, i stood and swung slowly, my eyes seeking form and presence.
no one was there.
“where are you,” i gasped, i had long ago passed from curiosity to an almost aching need to look into his face, his eyes, and see things that had nothing whatever to do with how he was built or what he wore. my head swiveled and i scanned the area of the fountain in frustrated lacking, “where are you?!?” he said softly, “i am here.”
my head jerked in response, aural guidance sending my eye to follow the direction of his voice. the brilliantly colored koi bobbed gently in the fountain and i stood there, convicted by my own hypocrisy; mute with wonderment and a helpless horror of realization.
“it’s alright, truly,” he whispered, “i understand. better than you can possibly know.” the soft splash repeated and he listed onto one side to look at me directly, “you should go eat,” his voice conveyed the sense of a crooked smile, of irony, as he said sadly, “there’s nothing for you here.”