some of the most interesting things pop out of my mouth in the middle of casual conversation.
i spend an inordinate amount of time trying not to fall into despair lately. part of it is the loneliness, but most of it relates to the sense that no matter what i do, there’s a whole universe of things in life that are gone for good.
i constantly remind myself of ‘the good things’. it doesn’t always help. actually, most times it doesn’t help. kind of like eating gruel every day and yearning for more.
i had a conversation today wherein someone told me not to be angry, because it didn’t help anything, so why bother? i told them point blank that i have every right to feel as i feel and if i need to feel angry, then damn it all, that’s what i need and that’s what i’m going to feel and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite my lily white ass.
actually, i said a good deal more than this, most of which dealt with laying out just how and why i was angry and that i bloody well had good reason to BE angry, and while i was willing to explain it, i certainly wasn’t willing to justify it and if that’s what they wanted, tough cookies.
they said something very interesting to me at that point. they said, “well, you know it’s just because you won’t settle for less. i mean, everyone has some part of life that they settle in or with… we’ve all got those superficial people who distract us from feeling lonely. only you don’t, because you’d rather be lonely than put up with superficial people. so since you’re asking for it, i’m not sure why you’re angry when you get it.”
the answer, of course, is idealism. and the somewhat obsessive refusal to acknowledge that i’m really THAT MUCH an alien. even though it appears i am.
bleh. BLEH, I SAY!
and oh my god, the humor of my sharp retort to being asked, “what do you mean, you’re lonely? weren’t you just about a whirlwind a few weeks ago with dates and whatnot? what happened to those two fellows you were interested in?”
talk about angry. heh. they barely got the intonation of the question mark out when i was snapping off words in reply, “well let’s see… the local fellow lost interest when he discovered i wasn’t thin, beautiful, and willing to fuck. the other one only seems to have lost interest as soon as he discovered i had interest. i don’t know what the hell is up with that, but i’m taking it as a sign.”
they just couldn’t let it alone, of course, “now come on, don’t be so cynical. you don’t know the local fellow has lost interest.”
ahem. indeed? i replied, “gee, i dunno, complete silence, no response… i think it’s pretty plausible.” they persisted, “and how long has it been?” i dropped the words like stones on the ground, “two weeks.” they backed off, “oh.”
yeah…. “oh.”
they didn’t bother challenging me on the other one. i don’t know about the rest of the women in the world, but with all the footsteps racing away from me in life, i’ve gotten pretty damn good at knowing the sound of them when i hear them. not that i enjoy being such a fucking expert on the matter.
simple fact #1: a man who has interest in you isn’t standoffish. he isn’t quiet. he doesn’t up and disappear.
simple fact #2: i no longer give chase.
if you know me at all, then you know how to find me if you want me. considering the reality that trying to run something to ground has never worked, i’m admitting it.
simple fact #3: i’m closer than i’ve ever been in my life to becoming ‘that woman’.
you know the one…. closed up, closed in, suspicion turning to certainty like cement, precursor of the self-fulfilling prophecy.
sigh.