i’m noticing phraseology lately. no, actually, i notice it all the time. but lately, i’m noticing it as in taking time to consider it rather than just reacting to it.
it proves interesting.
i don’t know about you, but i’m the kind of person who enjoys knowing others want to spend time with them. i think it is likely a very human thing; i doubt seriously i am alien in this.
since most of my activity in relation to others has tended toward putting my own enjoyments either to the side or making them secondary, i very rarely have given myself the chance to say “this is what i enjoy”, “this is what i’d like”, and “this is what i need”.
i have recently decided that i deserve more than to be secondary in my interactions with others. and instead of simply saying it, i’m actually doing something about it. it’s a big step for me and not without its own frets and fears.
i’ve tried this before and all that resulted from it was a slew of folks disappearing never to be heard from again… apparently, the change from being willing to do anything to asking others to take initiative and express active interest was just more than they could manage.
yeah, it hurt and yeah, i’m still angry over it. but i’m working on that, too.
in this moment, i’m noticing the regularity with which the people i interact with use the above phrase. i likely would not have noticed at all had it not arrived today from an unexpected source.
this tends to be the phrase people use when they are not so much interested in spending time with me, but in appeasing or placating me.
the interesting thing about that being that it demonstrates some level of knowledge that i am in a mood or place from which either would be required and yet, there is no inquiry as to it, just this ‘let’s pat her on the head and humor her a bit and perhaps we’ll not have to deal with what is eating at her.’
as i said, i receive it today from an unexpected source. which is both pensive and poignant, since it emphasizes certain conclusions of late and points to the true beginning of yet another demonstration of impermanence.
no, thank you, let’s not do something merely because ‘i might want to’. if you do not want to, or if there is anything other than enjoyment in it for you, then please… let us refrain. you see, the only thing worse than being forgotten is being remembered not from care and interest, but from guilt or with other than engaged intent.
there is no one in my life who has made a commitment to me of such nature that such guilt is supportable or justifiable, and i am used to people who only care to spend time with me when they’ve “nothing better” to do, though i wish very much i were not.
regardless, no one i know owes me a damn thing. and i do not want a damn thing from any of the people i know that is not brought freely, given naturally, and motivated out of their own interest and happiness to do so.
i am not so desperate that i am willing to accept pity as presence, and i’d rather be alone than suffer presence that wishes itself elsewhere.