i’m thinking about this more often than usual lately because i’m experiencing them more often than usual lately. how long does it usually take you to feel ignored? for me, it’s about three to four days. anyway…
i’m someone who is “on” my email. this means i check it every day, many times per day. i realize most people do not do this. well, i realize it when i stop to think about it (which, alas, is not often enough).
i am responsive to people in my real life. i tend to be proactive. i call them. i make a point of staying in touch unless there is something in play that makes it difficult or impossible. when this is the case, i expect them to stay in touch with me.
when there is regular communication, all is well. where there is not, i do not stop to think about valid reasons for it, instead, i inevitably i leap to conclusions.
they are rarely positive conclusions, but i do not kick myself for this because frankly, i have more than enough direct, personal experience in life to easily and regularly justify my negative tendencies.
i admit they are negative tendencies. i am very much prone to thinking and expecting the worst of anything at any point at which it is possible to do so. and i can find those points faster and easier than anyone i know because i have become rather adept at anticipating them. it comes with the territory of trying to protect oneself.
unfortunately, it is also something that, when there is nothing there from which to be protected, will upset, annoy, and generally run people off. which becomes rather frustrating with time, since once i got into this habit, it is damn difficult if not impossible (?) to break or shift out of it.
i am working on doing so. it is likely not a thing that will ever truly be accomplished simply because it seems that it takes longer to undo something that it does to do it. i have accepted this as well.
it is a burden that i ask my friends to bear and in each case, i always hope the positive things they find in me will outweigh this negative. sometimes it does. not often, it seems.
at the moment, i am struggling with trying to accept the changes in availability of a friend at distance. at the same time, i am struggling with trying to understand that another new friend’s silence is simply due to their not being as “on” their email as i am.
and, as usual, i’m struggling with all the people who are not and have never been as “on” their email or any other form of communication as i am and who, to my mind and eyes, appear simply to be uncaring and disinterested in whether i’m still breathing or not.
i will usually tell them point blank that i am feeling this way and that i need something more than i am getting from them.
i do ask for what i need.
but when i become convinced that someone either doesn’t care or is ducking telling me this is the case, i tend to say to myself, ‘well, to hell with it then, i’m tired of hurting for this kind of crap’ and start looking for the best way to push those people out of my life so they cannot hurt me anymore.
scorched earth time.
i am especially good at scorching the earth. not that it is something for which i am proud. i just mention it in the event you ever find yourself staring at me bristling with it and seeing it heading your way.
it’s stupidly simple to stop, but no one has ever tried. i tend to think that means a few things, too. i suspect this is a GoTo loop, if you know what i mean.
i do not make it easy for someone to prove me wrong. in fact, i make them work for it. i want… no… i need… i need to know i am wrong. if i am wrong, i need to be slapped with it so i cannot manage any doubt.
this is one thing of which there should never be any doubt — faced with the choice of thinking others do not care, i would always, always rather be wrong than right.