irony, in a single word.
i knew if i went to this structure for things, that this would happen. i’m not sure i like realizing it is this predictable.
you get the videos and i get to miss you. hardly seems fair. then again, i reckon no one ever promised fair, did they?
things are going well and i have much to occupy me during the week and yes, that is a good thing. but when you said that, sent that, it groused me because it seemed like you thought it would mean i wouldn’t miss you as much, or want to interact with you as much.
as if.
i keep having this dream. the details are not always the same, but they’re damn close. i’m sitting somewhere thinking about you. it’s been some long passage of time since we have talked. the feeling of the moment is that it doesn’t happen much and there is little chance that it will change. i sit there and am sad because it changed and i did not want it to.
pretty straightforward, i suppose.
there is part of me that absolutely knows you are drifting away forever.
there is part of me that wants very much to believe (is actively trying to, actually) that we will somehow manage to stay in touch and the approach of total silence and permanent distance is not inevitable.
it is not deliberate. life never has intent, does it? it just… happens.
i see it happening. that’s all. kind of a confirmation. i wish it were different. i can say it forever and it will never really convey the depth and intensity and damn near sorrow that is felt to think on it.
i’m nailing markers into the trail as it goes. ‘this is the place where it began’ and such. habit, i suppose. breads crumbs on a trail without birds. it isn’t like i need to document it to remember it.
i do it anyway. just in case and with a wry grin.
i am glad you have that life. i am thankful to have had a glimpse at it, of it. i am gifted to have shared in any of it, i know.
perhaps by the time it’s history, i won’t miss it quite so badly for all the missing i’m doing now. this, my crooked smile comfort to myself…. trying to cushion.
i am going to miss you more than the missing i did before i knew you. i am afraid your pass into silence and distance is going to be difficult to bear.
i am thankful you are passing slowly, but i wish you did not have to pass at all.
we all know what they say about wishes.
the full moon is close. here, the beginnings of a mournful howl.
yes, yes, i know. i know. impermanence.
sigh.