something woke me. not sure what. it is way too early for me to be awake. going to try to go back to sleep, but documenting this dream because it was…. odd.
i was working at a factory. a conveyor belt production line. something canned. i have no idea what. the belt kept running faster and i couldn’t keep up and the other workers on the line were starting to grumble because it was affecting everyone downstream.
i felt helpless and embarrassed. it seemed so easy for everyone else, and yet, there i was, unable and feeling really very worthless and low. the people there were not at all sympathetic, they were angry. i could see it in their eyes. they were angry with me for being there, for trying, when it was so very obvious i could not do the job.
i felt angry myself. i was new. i was learning. surely they weren’t consummate their first day. or maybe they were and it was just me. that thought made me want to cry. but i swallowed it and blinked fast and swore in a dozen different ways at myself…. be damned if i would cry in front of them. it would be the last shred of me.
but i couldn’t help it. i could feel my face redden and the tears were blurring my vision and i couldn’t see who it was that snickered, but i could hear it. it lanced through me like a stiletto and suddenly it just seemed my entire presence in the world was pointless. i couldn’t even manage to keep frigging cans on a damned conveyor belt.
i turned and stumbled outside into the sunlight and stood there shaking and weeping and angry all at once… and to my left, a stranger says, “hey… are you alright?” and i can feel the anger swelling up in me because, god damn it, does it LOOK like i’m alright?!?
but i just shake my head and choke it back and eventually manage to say, “yeah. thanks.” and they walk off.
i was standing there thinking about people who are willing to take the words even when they contradict the reality they see. and what that means. and behind me, the tall tower horn goes off signaling the end of the day and it wakes me up