“We are friends by necessity.” I’m not certain what it means. We must be friends? We are friends only because we cannot be more? I think both sentences apply. It makes me smile that this was how it was given to me. Although I suppose it is a miserly thing to be so happy that another endures the same sense and feeling when that sense and feeling are longing and wanting and missing and lacking. Misery loves company, I suppose… but I would hardly call this misery. Every moment spent is delight and I have refused and will ever refuse to give more space than must be given to the ‘misery’ of that which cannot be known.
I have hesitated to say it more than whisper, or to any other than myself or the one to whom such things are given, even as I have outlined its shape quietly in many ways along the way. I never thought it possible to be this content to simply love and be loved. The things that the world says ‘must be’ are lies. I am happy for the discovery of it.
It makes me feel good to know he is cared for and surrounded by comforts. Only occasionally do I mourn that the comfort I would give can only be known in words and at distance.
It makes me feel good to know he is smiling and has many reasons to smile. Only occasionally do I wish I could see it; could kiss that smiling mouth, could watch it curve.
It makes me feel good to know he is content and living a fulfilling life. Only occasionally do I selfishly want to be more than witness.
For a long time, I have, I think, been in love with love more than with anything. I didn’t know it. Not until I found my way to being able to love regardless circumstance or presence. It is not a thing you can explain, I find. What a hellish truth that is… no one can know until they know and before that, no words can possibly convey it. What a cross for humanity to bear, that knowing only rises through experience and for all our struggling, can only be vaguely communicated.
when the moon is full, i feel as if i am star-crossed and cursed… but by sunlight, i know it as blessing. funny thing, perspective, i embrace it all and savor laughter with tears. maybe this is the meaning after all, what the monks and lamas mean by it being all the same. halos and horns. no real difference, all experience, life, learning, and delight.
i feel warm. i feel care. i feel love.
i am increasingly certain there is no better life to be had than to be able to say all three and know them true.
i just noticed something about this piece. hrm.