i had an argument with a cherished friend. they have a very bad habit of pretending they don’t know i’m angry or avoiding frank discussion on matters by pretending not to know they need talking about.
so much so that when i mentioned on the blog that i was tired of being lied to, they actually wrote and asked me, “did i lie to you? if so, i’ll make amends.” then, they accused me of passive aggressiveness for writing on my blog instead of writing to them. no, wait, actually, they accused me of writing on my blog TO write to them.
it pissed me off. first and foremost because i’ve been telling this person for the last damn near a year that i was tired of pretending this lie wasn’t a big ol’ white elephant sitting in the middle of the room. secondly because i have written them and told them very directly over this last year that this was the case. thirdly, because their access to this blog was a gift of trust made to a well loved friend…. not some shield through which i may occasionally sling passive aggressive words. and of course, fourthly, that they could ever think such things… i mean, supposedly, they know me, right?
today, i received a guilt trip. essentially. an email that said, ‘well, i guess i shouldn’t talk to you anymore, since it just seems like i cause more trouble than i mitigate.’
and you know what? a little switch flipped inside my head. i actually recognized the pattern before becoming mired in it.
i wrote them back and said simply, ‘if that is what you come up with, knowing me as you claim to do, then i suppose the only thing left to say is goodbye.’
so ends one of the most treasured friendships in my life. it seems wrong that something which means so much can pop like a soap bubble and just…. be gone.
it hasn’t really sunk in yet, of course. i sit here and write about it as if it is happening to someone else. surely this cannot be happening to us.
naturally, the buddhist in me is already whispering ‘impermanence’. it makes me want to slap myself. but it is also keeping me from just collapsing into sobs. i suppose you could say practice has been helpful.
and of course, it has already occurred to me that this person must want to put an end to things, else the idea would not so quickly occur at the first sign of conflict.
that was the heaviest thought, really. my entire life has been filled with people who couldn’t wait to walk away from me…. make it oh-so-clear that i wasn’t worth the effort or time or loyalty.
i just didn’t expect this person to ever be on that list. i remember not too very long ago, they told me that i’d never stike out with them. that, for me, there were not endless strike, just a refusal on their part to count them.
i remember how good that made me feel. i am not going to tell you how it feels now, to know that was a lie.
you’d think by now, i’d learn.
no. actually, i think by now it’s pretty obvious i never will.