I have cut contact/relation with many people in my life, and not one time was the choice an easy or enjoyable one. Inevitably, it came down to whether or not the person in question was willing to accept and care for me as well as they demand I accept and care for them. Inevitably, the person in question asked more of me than they were, themselves, willing to give, and all discussion foundered unless I was willing to accept this as ‘how it would be’.
I wasn’t willing with them, back then, just as I’m unwilling today, with you.
For the last 21 years, I’ve tried to find the way to common ground with you. I’ve accepted all the horrible things you’ve said about me and let them be what they are — your perspective, the result of your lived experiences, and your thoughts on both.
When you have bothered to ask, I’ve told you what I remember, what I know third parties who were present during those times have said, and have done my best to answer any questions (though these have ever been rare from you). You insist you have memories that do not align with this, and since I cannot tell what is inside your head, I accept that you believe, feel, and think this is the case. However, given it doesn’t align to my information and memory, nor to that of others present at the time, we have always come to impasse on more than this.
You seem to need to believe you suffered things in my care that never actually happened. That’s a choice I do not have to agree with, particularly given it is physically impossible those things could have happened as you insist. Clearly, this is a significant disagreement and since you’ve never been willing to do more than argue the surface of it, it’s never been resolved. So be it.
You have called me ‘unsafe’, which is both inaccurate and hurtful. When I ask about this, you never want to talk about it, leaving me unable to seek resolution. So be it.
You have repeatedly insinuated that I am not reliable when it comes to looking after children; this is both inaccurate and hurtful. I have cared for many children over the course of my life, none but two being my own, and your insistence upon impugning my character and competency are unfair, unfounded, and unacceptable. You refuse to hear me on this, too. So be it.
You act as if my presence or interest in you and your daughters (my granddaughters) is unwelcome and whenever I have asked how I might better be involved or what I might do to help, you simply tell me you want nothing from me. I took a long time, too long really, to realize you meant that ‘nothing’ literally. Then I spent some years trying to find some middle ground, only it never came into being. Finally, after calling you in crisis and being told to try charities and food banks, it clicked:
You’re never going to want to be family with me.
Just like everyone else in this life, when it is time to reciprocate care, you’ve got nothing but excuses and a level of disinterest in me that leaves no doubt as to the state of things between us.
Last week, you texted my husband to tell him to tell me that the woman who was my foster mother had died; using him as a middle man because your pride won’t let you just be a human being who communicates when there is something to be communicated. You told him that you intend to ‘honor my request indefinitely’ – as if you were honoring me rather than suiting yourself entirely.
If you were so interested in ‘honoring my requests’, you would have allowed me closeness and engagement with my granddaughters. Instead, you’ve cut me out. Ostensibly because I’m ‘so unsafe’.
And you genuinely do not understand how and why I am finally willing to be done with these decades long assault of my character, my care, and my consistency in trying.
I am tired of being lied about by you.
I am tired of being cut out and shut out by you.
I am tired of being treated as if I do not matter to you.
I am tired of being accused of manipulation by you.
Finally, I understand it’s just never going to change with you. You’ve made and broken so many promises to me that I no longer trust that you mean what you say or will do what you’ve said you will do. Now you have your ‘perfect life’ and of course, I’m not welcome.
So be it.
I accepted all of this from/by you in November of 2023. I accepted also that I made a mistake by reaching out to you again, by trying again, and by refusing to accept what is, as it is… again.
I’m not doing that anymore, so instead of writing you or calling you, I’m writing it out instead. My feelings, my thoughts, my perspective. All the things you don’t have interest or time or understanding to consider.
I told you in 2023, I’d rather struggle the rest of my life without relief than to continue to have my existence and all it entails invalidated and dismissed as has been ‘the regular’ from/with you.
So you no longer need concern yourself with ‘honoring my request indefinitely’ as it was not a request, it was a decision, and it was taken as a direct result of your inability to honor me, thus your participation in any way is no longer desired or required.