a good night’s sleep does amazing things for the mind. so does getting back to meditation. i am thinking today of all the reasons i could be angry. i am thinking today of all of the reasons i could be as sad and sorrowful as i was last night. and i am thinking that i choose to be neither. don’t get me wrong. they are here. i feel them. but they are not going to be primary in my mind.
why should they be? all things considered, the last thing i could call where i am in this deserved.
i have waffled back and forth on revoking my friend’s access to this place. presently, he is using the knowledge that i look for his presence as a form of passive-aggressive punishment by not visiting. i am reminded that he recently attempted to call me passive-aggressive. it’s always projection, you know. it fascinates me sometimes. it also angers me. but only briefly. i am reminded of a little boy in the sandbox, flinging his shovel because someone has asked him to share.
in fact, a good bit of this in today’s early morning light looks very selfish indeed. which is somewhat amusing as well, because my friend has admitted regularly to being selfish. i didn’t heed that, and i granted a bit more benefit of the doubt than perhaps i should have.
funny how memory serves it all up for hindsight’s critique.
i am going to allot myself precisely one hour a day to think about this. no more. and frankly, i expect to use far less as it goes forward. the one thing i can say is that i am tired of hurting for the various selfishnesses and fears of others.
there is no reason whatever that i should have been a hidden, secret thing. the excuse of ‘her insecurity’ could have and should have been met with a request to speak directly with her and demonstrate that my interest was safely confined to knowing my friend as a friend.
the refusal to grant even the chance for it said two things very, very clearly:
(1) there was no trust in his partner.
(2) there was no trust in me.
no doubt she would be angry with him for keeping me hidden. particularly if they have had issues in this area in the past (e.g., his secrecy, his lack of trust, etc.) but that is certainly no reason to repeat the error.
meh. or should i say men. sigh.
it chaps my ass that he actually wrote me and said ‘i’m thinking about it.’ as if his opinion is the only one that counts. and as if i would dutifully sit back with held breath and hope for better from him.
of course, i can blame no one but myself. that is precisely the expectation i set in him by allowing it to happen the many times it has until now. why *would* he think it would turn out different this time? (wry grin)
i find it interesting that the only people i allow to take these running strides across my boundaries are those i truly care for. i let those i care for hurt and abuse me. why? old habits? or am i that hard up for someone to actually stay that i’d be willing to get cut up like this for it?
well, obviously, there are limits. thank the stars. i’ve gotten over the physical abuse of my past. i chuckle to think what would happen if anyone i knew struck me. ever. heh.
this emotional masochism is not doing me any good. i suppose it is progress to be able to see it. moreso to actually shift my choices in relation to it. were i to fall into the same pattern as 2006 for this i think i would have to slit my wrists or something. no. i will never, ever let myself be put through something like that again.
i suppose it is worth saying directly — this friendship ends due to my friend’s inability or unwillingness to tell his partner about me, let us meet/talk with one another, and grant me the chance to demonstrate to her that i am ‘safe’, ‘not a threat’, and interested in knowing her should she care to explore it.
the idea being that the choice to know me is hers and regardless if she wants to know me or not, the offer stands as a further demonstration that i have no ‘designs’ on ‘her man’…. i just enjoy knowing him and chattering with him.
if ever his stance on the matter changes, i will welcome it. but until it does, i simply cannot continue with him.
it really doesn’t get any simpler than that. i suppose he would call it an ultimatum. me? i call it an unfortunate outcome. i should never have had to say any of this.