groggy yet, just woke up. no telling what’s going to come out of my mouth. i am thinking about the ‘have done’ of it all. pretty darn easy to just stop coming by, too busy to really be bothered anyway. as usual, i stew and they blithely move on.
i’m working on not doing that this time. hence the hour a day thing. so far, it’s working. i think i need a little more anger to avoid falling into depression, though. it’s kind of hard to avoid feeling like you’re just worthless, hopeless, pointless without it. why else would it be so easy for folks to write you off and walk off?
he didn’t even try. just said ‘ok’. yeah. musta been real hard. more wonderful photos and videos of a family weekend and how do you look at it all and not feel like you’re just in the way?
no doubt. i was in the way. confirmed by how easy it is to accept me getting out of it. the way, that is.
polite little mutterings about ‘somedays’ that will never come. some amazing illusory tomorrow when it will be alright to have a female friend.
right.
as. if.
bah. you know what? i’m not going to spend an hour on this today. fuck it.
fact is, i deserve better, they couldn’t give it, and all the wishful thinking in the world and inflation of their better qualities doesn’t change the fact that when it comes right down to it, they weren’t willing to allot me a friend’s seat at the table of their life.
not willing to trust in their partner, not willing to trust in me, not willing to trust in themselves.
the correct statement is not they ‘couldn’t’ it is they ‘wouldn’t’.
as always, people do as they want to do. period.
bah. time to shut up and have coffee and get to work.