humans love their games. even the ones that hurt to play. you know, like how you pretend something isn’t happening until it’s all up in your grille and you can’t pretend anymore.
i have a very bad habit of not being done with things until i’ve seen every last shred of possibility die. i saw it today and i wish i hadn’t. i really wish i could be the kind of person who could say ‘i’m done’ and just drop it all into the sea of forgetfulness and remember it no more.
i’m not.
instead, i’m the kind of person who quietly watches from distance and hopes they didn’t mean it, waits and watches for any indication that it was a misunderstanding, sit poised to say ‘it’s alright, really, forgiven, forgotten, can we get on with being friends now?’
the funny part is, i remember having a dream some months ago about this. i think i even recorded it here. of watching all elements that indicated interest, care, sharing, and closeness disappear.
i saw another one today and i sit here, now, and i’m crying. it hurts, you know. i suppose i shouldn’t let it, but it’s kind of impossible to get something out of your heart once you let it in, ya know?
i get angry at myself for it. i feel like i shouldn’t care. i feel as if it’s a recurrent stupidity i cannot seem to get away from.
i do care. and it hurts. it hurts to watch someone just cast off every little thing and show you just how little it meant, how easy it is for them to do it.
it hurts to find the most you are in someone’s world is disposable.
when you know that’s all you ever were, it hurts.