here’s an irony for you — my current roomie had a woman come out here to live with him and when she got here, she broke his heart, told him she didn’t love him, and cut out for pennsylvania to live with someone else.
he invites me out here because we’re friends and he wanted to help. nothing more. but i think he was a little confused because that wasn’t what he said. what he said was he wanted to see if we clicked as well in person as we did over distance. but i didn’t take it seriously. why would i, what with so many adventures and failures of letting that kind of idealism shred me to pieces.
so. i came out here to be friends with him. and it’s a damn good thing i did, because once i got here, it was very clear very quickly that was all he wants.
good fellow, my roomie. i almost feel badly that he’s not interested. almost. i manage to save myself by reminding myself that the life i’m leading at this moment is not the life i want to lead for the rest of my life… and there’s enough different between how we each are to make anything more than friendship pretty impossible.
one of the worst things about being lonely is that you’re almost willing to give anything a try. almost.
on the other hand, i still have that whole ‘it’s possible for anyone to love anyone’ thing in my head and i still believe it fully. so, at times, it’s kind of snarled in the attic (if you know what i mean).
all in all, i think it is safe to say i’m not letting anyone get close anymore. tired of being hurt, tired of people who say all kinds of things, but mean none of them.
the roomie is out to a party with friends tonight. had i any doubt whatever about anything (not that i did or do), it would have been put safely to rest tonight. social boundaries always tell you if someone thinks of you as ‘part of their life’ or just someone they’re feeling sorry for and helping out.
i wish i’d known that more clearly a couple of years ago. on the other hand, i suppose i can thank michael for helping me learn that lesson.
anyway.
in other news.
recruiter out to a conference today, so no movement on the job thing. i’m sweating now because it looks like that ticket isn’t going to get paid and september’s bills are due in two weeks.
i may have to sell the imac after all. part of me actually wants to. i haven’t found much ‘out here’ but headaches, heartaches, and hurt.
i guess we’ll see how it goes.