i think one of the hardest parts of getting older is realizing that there are those who will react differently to you.
it’s silly things, things that shouldn’t matter, but they do.
tonight, someone popped off with a rather crude ‘male-ism’ in front of me and it was then that i realized – i’m gender neutral to them.
when you’ve become ‘one of the guys’, there’s just no way they’ll ever see you as a woman again. simple fact.
it bothers me. it bothers me because there’s a whole lotta greatness sitting here and i’m really starting to get tired of having it glossed over, overlooked, and generally discounted because i’m not mincing around with my tits and ass hanging out.
or worse, i’m discounted as a woman because i refuse to play into ‘being barbie’.
if i had a dollar for every time i’ve heard a man say they wanted an equal, a partner…. and when it gets right down to it, what they really meant was they wanted barbie with a brain.
i’m too fucking old to be barbie. not that i was ever willing to be, even in the days when i might have manged it.
bah. maybe becoming the crazy cat lady isn’t such a bad idea after all. cats don’t care if you’re not a size 6 and they love you even if you’re less than perfectly toned.
i swear, sometimes, i think about getting back into working out again just so i can reject every one of those fuckers who couldn’t see past my body. i mean, sometimes, i really dream about it.
then i think about getting into shape for myself. which is the best reason to do it.
i think i’m waiting until i don’t care anymore. which may be a while.
i am not an ugly woman. but i’m not a beautiful one either. on the outside, anyway.
the reality check is remembering most people don’t know how to look deeper. so it’s bound to be a regular occurrence. i’m reminding myself so i can work on being kind in relation to it. the most i manage right now is not letting the things i think come out when i encounter it.
much.
*sigh*