when this feeling comes, i don’t ask why anymore. i used to, back in the days when it was easier to pretend i didn’t know and more comfortable to be in denial. funny thing about denial, it’s never really comfortable and by the time you realize it, the relief in removing its barb-wire coil is intense.
anyway. i don’t ask why because i know why. and it is ok to feel this way. perfectly fine. it’s a sign of goodness and humanity. i didn’t see it that way at first. but that’s alright, too.
i’ve gotten used to the notion that it isn’t really about one thing, person, place, event. it’s the combination of all the memories and how well some things strike them. horrible pun. i mean more like resonating, not the other kind.
cerebral tuning fork. heh. temporal metronome that recognizes the rhythm-pattern-shape. humans are the most amazing pattern recognition machines. in fact, we’ll see patterns where they don’t exist just because we’re so used to looking for them that we’ll make them up.
when i think about that, i think maybe i need to not think about that quite so much. pebble in the ocean, let the ripple float over the horizon. not like you can ever really catch it anyway.
i sometimes wonder if those who read here will understand the brutality and the horrible honesty of some of the contradictory statements:
– i miss you and i don’t miss you and i wish i never knew you well enough to miss you, and i never knew you at all.
– you aren’t the one i feel this way about, but you’re the one that i can feel about.
– i love you so much that i hate you and at the same time, i feel absolutely nothing at all.
it’s like a braid. there’s no one constant. never was, never will be. well, except for the constant that is all of them existing in the same time/space of my cranium.
i wonder if those who read here admit such things. i wonder a lot more that i won’t put here, after all, i’m already so far outside the lines that the lynch mob is due any minute. the only reason they haven’t been more dedicated is that i tend to put these things here instead of saying them.
see? i can learn. sometimes.
i don’t ask why anymore. and i’m looking forward to the day when the thoughts are ripples i’m willing to let float over the horizon.
not just yet. but soon.
soon.