it makes me angry with myself that i am so focused on feelings of loneliness that ebb and rise. you should hear the conversations i have with myself. no, on second thought, be thankful you can’t hear them. i wish i didn’t. bleh.
most of my life has been spent feeling very disconnected from the world around me. from people. i always feel as if i’m in the way, an imposition, a third wheel. or out of place. you know, square peg person in a round hole world.
so when i meet people i really like, that i feel any degree of connection with whatever, i have real trouble with it. most of me wants them around all the time, wants to be totally involved and in touch and really close.
the rest of me realizes that’s part of why i am such a square peg. most people are very ‘touch and go’ with one another. they think nothing of going weeks or even months without contact. naturally, that drives me absolutely insane because it tickles the edges of the old sore spots.
but that’s my problem, isn’t it? (not that it makes it any easier to deal with, mind you.)
what really makes it hard is when i have people around me who are just… disengaged… from me. it pisses me off – me with myself – because there’s just no way in hell anyone is ever going to whittle away the monster deficit i’m struggling under, and i know it isn’t any good to expect it.
and i don’t, consciously.
but i can tell by the way i feel when the phone doesn’t ring, or when the mailbox (virtual or otherwise) is empty, or when the weekends come and go and whatever i’m doing, i’m doing it alone.
sometimes, i get so mad i just ‘decide’ they can all go get fucked. and for a little while, it works. but never for long.
most of the time, i have this feeling of wishing there were someone in the world like me, for me.
there isn’t. and i think that’s the part that really aches the most and the most often. the feeling of all my square-peg-ness.
good thing there’s coffee ice cream. i guess.