i’m happy. and i’ve been happy for a few weeks straight. it feels weird. nice, but weird. i don’t suppose it shows very much or often here, in the charnel ground, play ground, wide open whatever ground… heh… but nonetheless, it’s true.
for the first time in my life, letting something go not only didn’t hurt, it was a relief. i didn’t realize how tired i was of holding back anger and hurt in hopes of seeing it change. and i didn’t realize how ancillary i really was.
you know, i keep thinking someday i will learn not to be so trusting. but i haven’t quite managed it yet. i am pretty sure i never will… and i’m beginning to understand that not only am i ok with it, i count it among my greater and more positive qualities.
as odd as it may sound, i really do not mind being hurt in the name of thinking and hoping the best. not for others, not for myself.
and i’m also finding i don’t mind being hurt in the name of letting myself be angry when i’m angry, sad when i’m sad, pessimistic when i’m pessimistic. poor lil eeyore has had more than a few kicks undeserved from me and frankly, all eeyore ever needed was to be hugged a little more often and perhaps proven wrong here and there.
i can do the former, even if the latter stubbornly refuses to manifest.
have you noticed yet that, while i’m talking about myself and my feelings in relation to life on the whole, i’m specifically talking about it all in the context of right here and right now?
when i consider ‘right now’, i feel pretty damn good. happy. content. peaceful. truly without a care. it’s only when i think about ‘what was’, ‘what may be’ that i find myself down by the river, drooping over the shore and letting my eeyore hang out.
i deeply, dearly love the people i’ve known who are no longer in my life. i think i always will. just how i’m built. can’t help it and wouldn’t if i could, i suppose. right now, most of them are soft and warm memories, even as i know they likely would be very, very surprised to hear it. likely unbelieving.
good thing that what IS doesn’t require them to believe it. heh.
i’m giving it up, you know. albeit slowly. i’m very proud of myself for not trying to chase it down, being able and willing to just say, ‘you know what? i get it. the minute you decide, everything here is a moot point to you.’
a moot point is an issue regarded as potentially debatable, but no longer practically applicable. while there are many ways the idea could be delivered, many ways the matter is worthwhile and deserving of effort, it is rendered irrelevant in relation to the present circumstance.
i’ll leave you to imagine how pristinely perfect a definition that is…. i don’t have to, i’m living it. well, i was. that’s kind of the point… you know, the one that isn’t moot… the one in which that was then, this is now.
‘then’ doesn’t matter anymore. how can it?
‘now’ hasn’t changed. you see, that’s the thing — just because someone up and walks off doesn’t mean anything more than that’s what they did. it doesn’t have to mean anything other than they’re not actively present. i can still care about them. i can still wish them well. i can still smile to think of them being happy.
i can still be and feel precisely the same.
why?
because my ‘now’ doesn’t change one jot, because the reason i cared, wished them well, and smiled to think of them being happy didn’t have a damn thing to to with ‘what i got’… it has to do with what i want to give.
put your back to me. it doesn’t change a thing. i love your back as well as your front.
ignore me. it doesn’t change a thing. i love your silence as well as your sounds.
that’s the thing i realize when i consider the ‘now’… for all that everything changes around me, nothing has changed within me. i am who i am, i feel how i feel, and no matter what, that’s just the way it is.