it has been snowing like the dickens here. roomie calls it ‘abnormal’ as does the weather channel. meh. i was out in it a bit, it isn’t so bad if you don’t mind driving everywhere at 20 miles per hour.
pretty quiet week and weekend thusfar. roomie heads to baltimore on the 23rd and doesn’t return until the 29th. work closes on the 24th and doesn’t open until january 5th. i only get paid for the 25 of december and the 1st of january. i’m still pissed that my recruiter borked my direct hire because it’s costing me $2500 over these two weeks.
but… i will survive and this too shall pass.
the day after roomie returns, i go in for eight extractions. molars all, i’ll be on soups and soft foods for three weeks while it all heals. i suppose i’ll be losing weight. once the back heals, it’s back in the chair for the remainder to come out and into the dentures i’ll go.
several months later, to look into implants if i’ve the bone to hold them. maybe. we’ll see.
i’m being redundant of course, you’ve heard all of this.
what i’m trying not to talk about is that i’m going to spend the 23rd through the 29th alone.
i’m not sure why it bothers me so much. no, that’s not at all true. it bothers me because it makes me feel unloved. which is silly of course, because i know there are people out there who love me. but… well… there’s this little girl inside who says, “yeah, but not enough to be with you on the holidays.”
which isn’t fair, i know… but there it is. that’s how it feels.
and then, of course, are the people who i wish were still about to say hello and send well wishes only they’re not around anymore and of all the things they’ll be thinking about this holiday season, i won’t be among the number.
i’ll hear from many, i’m sure. or not. maybe not. there have been many years when i thought i’d hear from someone and never did. meh. guess i’ll see.
if i can manage it, i’m going to try to go see a theater production that’s in town through the 28th. seven brides for seven brothers, a musical. i liked the old movie and i hear it’s a good production. depends on cost and weather, really.
tony, my project manager at work, has invited me out for a ‘roaming’ holiday dinner on the 24th. but i’m not real sure i’m up to it. he’s the only one i’d know and they’re all kind of “upscale” and “cosmopolitan” and i’m… well.. i’m just not. i liked the thought of going initially, but now it feels really very awkward.
example — i was in the car going to lunch with paul (my director), tony (the project manager) and jon (one of the developers) and somehow we got to talking about egoism. i was trying to explain something about buddhism and why the topic at hand didn’t really touch me very deeply (whereas it seemed to really set the three of them off). i was explaining and paul interrupted me to say, ‘i don’t mean to be rude, but i just have no idea what you’re talking about and if i try to think about it, i’m going to crash the car.’
they all laughed, of course. but i actually felt kind of hurt. i felt several things — first and foremost, that i had inadvertantly crossed some boundary between work and personal by broaching a subject that had personal meaning to me and he was letting me know to can it. secondly — that something that meant a lot to me and is a big part of who i am and how i live was so unimportant as to be easily brushed off. third — that whether or not the other two people in the car were interested in hearing it, because he wasn’t, it had to end…. which struck me as really very selfish and possibly narcissistic, and fourth — that anytime someone prefaces a statement with ‘i don’t mean to be…’ whatever they’re denying is almost always precisely what they meant to be, only they don’t want to be called on it (passive aggressiveness).
so. yes. awkward.people like to feel what they think matters or has import. people like to think that their willingness to listen and try to understand things with which they have disagreement is something that is common amongst people who care for one another. people like to think their attempts to be open and accepting will be reciprocated, and people are non-plussed when they find this is not the case.
replace people with ‘i’ and ‘their’ with ‘my’ and it reads the same. but that’s case in point — i try very hard to give others the benefit of the doubt. i mean, what kind of life would i have (or would i forever inflict on others) if my first reaction to anything is to assume the worst or assume ill intention or motivation on the part of others?
and all i can think about is being there with tony and his friends and having to spend the entire time being quiet or supporting their opinions because to introduce my own would only cause reaction similar to that which is outlined in the above example.
it occurs to me that, for all i try, i’m not very much trusting of the overall kindness of humanity. i mean, i want to assume that, given opening, most humans will be kind… but reality tends to support that humans are only kind when they’re not busy being all roped up in themselves and that this is a rare circumstance for most of them.
i suppose that sounds as if i’m being superior. i fear that is how it sounds. but it is not my intent. i just work very, very hard to not do that and sometimes it feels as if most people don’t think about it or try very hard at it at all.
i like being a kind person. it feels good to know that i can choose to be kind even if or when others are not. but i’m very unkind in my head. very. it’s a good thing the things in my head don’t get out unless i let them. and it’s especially good that i’m good at not letting them.
i’m far more selfish, needy, and tender than i appear. far and away more. and i keep waiting for someone to recognize it and be tender and giving in the areas in which i’m starved… but at the same time, i do my damnedest not to let anyone get close enough to touch any of it. which makes it a bit difficult.
bleh. full on ramble, i suppose. not much point to it. the things i’d like to have this holiday season i’m not going to have any more chance of than i did last year or the year before or any year going back as long as i can recall.
i realized the other day that i’ve been single for damn near 17 years.
that’s just fucking depressing. in 17 years, no one has been interested in me beyond long distance communication. not only this, several i’ve met along the way and had high hopes in the doing decided that, upon meeting me, they really couldn’t manage more than to ‘just be friends’.
i wish i could describe what that feels like. i can’t. but it’s deep and it’s sick and it hurts.
i think i’ve got the holiday blues. lingering judeo-christian hooks. as i’m sure you know, buddhists don’t ‘do’ christmas. but it would be nice to have someone who genuinely cares for me here. and it would be nice to have a warm snuggle under blanket by the fire here. and it would be nice, even if just for one night, to have someone who actually wanted to hold and be held here.
i keep forgetting i’m supposed to be giving up on this. it would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad.