i am heavy hearted and angry at once. how many times have i started a post like this?
it goes much deeper, of course. more than anyone knows. what do you do when you’re tired of living, but afraid of dying? drag along like a spine shattered idiot and hope something changes? become so embittered and angry that you fulfill your own prophecies? take up drugs or alcohol so you’re so out of it that the pain stops?
the terrible part is, i have so many good things in my life. why can i only languish and anguish over the things i don’t have? what is wrong with me? i’ve run the gamut from thinking i’m NPD to bipolar to some other form of nuts and in the end, i think i’m not lucky enough to be nuts. if i were nuts, i wouldn’t be miserable, i’d be too busy being lost in delusions and denial to be miserable.
or so i tell myself. i don’t know anymore. all i know is i want to be held at night and to know someone in the world wants me by their side. do you know i’ve never had it? for all my three marriages and stars knows how many tries between them, before taking myself off the free rack of life.
can you hear me when i tell you how awful it feels to hold back and wait for someone to do more than say a thing and see how, year after year after year after year, no one can? no one does?
i feel ugly. fat. unattractive. boring. flabby. toothless. i feel i will go the rest of my life like this until i collapse into it and stop thinking of it ever being any different.
how i wish there were one person, somewhere, who would love me the way i have loved others. but perhaps that is it. perhaps my kind of love is as archaic as i feel. no one believes in ‘just because’ anymore. no one can be bothered to go ‘above and beyond’ anymore. no one sees past their own nose and if you look at them and let them see that you do, all that happens is they label you crazy and run as fast as they can.
i don’t understand and i’m not sure i want to understand. every time i try it just feels like despair. what will be left if i accept that this is how it is?
i am hungry. i am thirsty. i am aching for more than this infernal empty life. i have given myself to the world and left nothing for myself and trusted in the world being able and willing to do the same.
i was wrong. it cannot. it will not. what do i do now?
i am, i think, about to find out. at last.
no quarter, no mercy, no reversal, no turning back. what chances i could give were freely given long ago. what hope i had has many years ago expired. i cannot wait any longer to have what i need. it is time for me. it is, at last, all about me.
i will not ask forgiveness. i will not regret. i will not hesitate. done is done and it is done.
i gain more than i ever had and you, each and every one of you, lose more than you ever knew.
congratulations, world, you are right, i was wrong, you win, you make me into yourself in the end because there is no such thing as the beautiful things i dream.
damn you and damn me and damn us all.