continuing ‘the list’ and examining it for how it reflects challenges i need to address, item 2 of things that were hurtful to me by this other:
this other was forever assuming that any question or disagreement with their opinion or perspective was a deliberate and intentional slight against them, personally.
on the surface, this hurt me for the manner in which it assumed all questions were either disbelief, disagreement, or distrust. in reality, i learn by questioning and by poking at things intellectually, turning them over in my head like gems in a polisher; refining them by testing them in every way i can conceive of until all that is left is that which doesn’t chip away upon contact.
this was never something the other understood of me, nor was it something i think they could understand of me for their own need to be confirmed in every way at every moment.
but to begin pulling this apart… i’m not sure where or how. i sit here and think about it… the first thought to leap to the surface is of insecurity as an expression of distrust. the next is insecurity as an expression of judgment.
distrust in that one reacts not to what is known, but what is feared. and judgment in that one reacts not to what is found, but what is assumed. both live in ignorance that is sustained by choice. how difficult is it to just ask? but to ask would be to admit one does not know. the catch-22 that i’ve seen often and never quite understood.
there are soooo many things i do not know. i have never been afraid to ask. i have a hard time understanding the fear, the distrust. i have a hard time not judging it weakness or avoidance of risk.
we’re heading right back to the pride of pride’s lacking. but there’s something else here. sitting still, waiting on it to be more than a wriggling in the back of my head…
anger. anger to be assumed one who intends to hurt. anger that to know me at all did not remove such assumption from the realm of possibility. anger that efforts to strive and demonstrate compassion and care were consistently overlooked in favor of distrust and fear.
why? was it so hard to believe? was i so indistinguishable that this was the case? or was it merely lack of looking and the ease of the convenient label?
not that the question will ever be answered… but it remains… and it gnaws. how could one repeatedly choose doubt in the face of active presence and persistent demonstration of care?
no. i do not understand it. my insecurity does not include these things. my insecurity deals more with …. oh. stars. there it is.
my insecurity lies in the expectation that everyone is going to leave. it’s just a matter of time. so, for all i do, give, or strive, it is never as fully as i could or would, because i expect others to leave and thus, forever withhold that ‘last inch’ for fear of it being irreparably destroyed.
interesting, this, as until this moment, i would have said i gave all of me to this other. and indeed, i have said just this on several occasions.
this other’s insecurity was such as to almost exactly inflame my own… a perfect mismatch of fears and doubts. i kept waiting for them to prove to me they were not going to leave, and they kept using silence and withdrawal and distance as buffers for their own insecurity and it just fed in all the worst ways from itself.
i…there was no way they could ever prove they would not abandon me. and when they did do just that, i was at once vindicated and crushed. a-ha! i shouted from the back of my mind, see! you did it! just like i knew you would! and more softly, why did you have to? i did not want to be right this time.
tears. it is an old pain, this. but i am not crying in this moment for this other. only for the way they couldn’t help me break the chains of this insecurity.
here then, the core of why their insecurity resulted in negativity for me. i looked to them to change something of me that was not theirs to change. and angered as well as hurt for their inability to do so.
the thorn remains… and its challenge is clear — how to lay to rest my expectation that i will forever be forsaken by others? how to kill the fear of it happening?
the first, reflexive answer is to be more dedicated to embracing impermanence. and to work upon ending my clinging and desire for others to soothe it.
that is much easier said than done. to even look at it is difficult for me. but i am looking. it is a start.