continuing sooner than expected, i know it will sound odd, but i sense presence. ache is strong. i sigh. still too human to avoid wishing. but instead, knowing it impossible, write.
this other would often lie about things, not knowing the truth had been provided via other avenues.
i remember when i first discovered this other had lied about something to me. i was surprised, hurt, and disappointed. i remember thinking very clearly ‘why?’ i had never at that time been other than open, caring, giving. the first arguments were yet weeks ahead, and he had not yet pushed me to the point of feeling that lashing out was the only way to defend myself.
i could not ask him, of course. what point to ask when a lie tells you that truth is too hard to manage?
stars. this time the tears are early. i do not think he realize how truly i believed in him, of him, for him. so much so that even in the face of lies and all the other things in this list, i chose… i chose to look past the hurts and pains. i chose to remind myself of what he told me he wanted to find and remember of himself. i chose to do something other than hold that lie as if it were somehow more precious than i found him to be.
he made such choosing harder every step of the way. so many lies. he thought i did not know. i knew almost every one of them, though admittedly some only came to light after my own, final turning.
the idealist in me likes to think if ever he knew this, it would demonstrate something that is important of me, to him. but i no longer hope for such things. instead, i remind myself that he cared not for my belief, nor for the courage it took to maintain it in the face of so many lies. nor for the hope that made such choices possible.
his lies hurt me because there were not necessary. the irony of course, is that he lied to avoid unpleasantness and found it more fully for the doing. and of course that he never trusted me enough to believe, let alone know, that all his truths were safe here.
he might have known had he ever considered that what truths he did give me remain in my confidence. all of the four he mentioned. i know the confidences i gave to him lay broken behind veils through which i cannot see. but even now, in this moment, his truths are safe here. his lies hurt me most because it told me all the ways he did not think me worth truth.
i do realize that his opinion and perspective of me should never have been part of my decision-making process. if it had not, many things, many hurts would not have found existence. for either of us. had they not, i would not have known him long enough to hurt him, or have him hurt me.
i think about that. i actually told him on several occasions that it was a good thing we met when we did, for had we met any earlier, i would not have been interested in him and he would not have bothered with me. in the end, i conclude we met for only a few reasons, and all of them being fulfilled, part.
for all his lies, they were not all lies. i say he gave me four truths in the above paragraph. i miscount. he gave me five. the fifth is no secret. anyone who knows me or has met me since that time knows it. he gave me the Dharma. or at least, enough of himself in that moment truthfully that i could see it in him, find it in me, and know it in this life.
i am supposed to talk here about how to learn from this and not be as hurt by those who lie to me in future. but i find that is not where my mind and spirit are in this moment. maybe the lesson and challenge and direction is hidden in these words somewhere… but i do not see it in this moment. maybe they point to it, or point away and thus outline its shape. i cannot say i know.
my mind is a needle stuck in the groove of the record. skipping and the sound of the question repeats like its own pattern…. why… why… why.
i stop here. nose is angry, eyes are swollen, and i am suddenly weary of it.