February 26, 2010 – 7:24am – Pre-Work, Post-Angst, and Past.
Dear John,
You know that request for a simple honesty? Forget it. I figured it out.
There’s an abyss between what you say you want and what you’re actually able to have without freaking out on your own insecurities and fears. Rather than admit that’s the case and allow a relationship to blossom despite it (you know, fertilizer on roses, mud on lotus, etc), you use your self-loathing and insecurity as a buffer; a reason to abandon anything that might even remotely challenge you to do more than wallow in it. So, rather than a strong and supportive connection, you’ll pursue multiple weak and unsupportive ones, regardless how they only shore up and exacerbate the issues.
Worst of all, you’ll bury it under the guise of “self improvement” and “effective personal growth” and “not being ready”; using external authorities to vet and validate avoidant behavior and continued poor choices because – let’s face it, you haven’t had any faith or confidence in yourself or your judgment in years, and you are unwilling to risk being wrong even at the cost of being right.
You simply do not conceive, understand, or embrace the fact that the only path to growth is to break old habits by making new ones; nor that it includes not letting self-loathing, insecurity, and fear of failure stop you from enjoying others, life, and the risk that comes with being open to it all. But most importantly in this case, you’ll reject any woman who holds the potential to see it and be ok with it while you work through it. Why? Because it conflicts with your inner judgment and you’re just not ready to admit you’re better than you think of yourself.
Honestly? What a miserable, fucking pity. You allowed me to see the man you wanted to be and I liked him. I liked him enough to not care that he was still manifesting. I liked him enough to be willing to embrace the various stops and starts that come with personal growth and manifestation. I liked him enough to show him the woman I wanted to be, too.
I didn’t stop liking the becoming man just because the scared one ran away. I still haven’t stopped liking him. I’m just not going to let myself like him more than he is able-but-not-willing to like himself…. or me.
So. Two weeks to the closure and with a heartfelt and regretful sigh, finally, I’m done with noodling it and trying to figure out whether or not there was something I missed that might make it repairable to the point of friendship (yes, even after my initial “oh hell no” reaction).
Turns out that intuition is likely best uncompromised, particularly in the face of avoidance.
Goodbye.