returning to this after a time of letting all considered previously settle.
Item 7 from ‘the list’, delusions:
many times, this other would tell me something and, scant days or weeks after doing so, insist they never had or, worse yet, accuse me of somehow ‘digging up’ the information. another habitual delusion was this others odd insistence that people were ‘out to get them’ or acting with deliberate malice in regard to them.
this was among the more hurtful things given to me by this other. it was a thing that happened regularly, right up to the very last exchange between us.
indeed, the act that set me to this final turning was an expression of concern and care that this other used as an opening to accuse me of such foul intent and malignancy that i simply could not deny or ignore that they were, in fact, delusional.
at the time, i think i made a brief entry here referring to it being like a splash of cold water to the face. in truth, i spent that day entire in a state of something akin to shock. the realization of all the things i had so long ignored of this other flowing over me and obliterating my own illusions with regard to their ability or interest in being caring, compassionate, mindful, any of it, all of it.
to this moment, i cannot say i understand what it is of them that makes such delusions so attractive. i will simply never know. but as for why they created negativity in me, that is a simple thing to admit – they created negativity here for the manner in which they utterly contradicted all the words he had given over time to exhort me and others to precisely the opposite ends than those which he so eagerly pursued.
in short, the hypocrisy of him. the utter, abject inability to match his own actions to all the words.
admittedly, we are all in some moments, hypocrites. myself included. but there is a profound difference between that intermittent hypocrisy that is the curse of being human and a persistent inability and unwillingness to strive to be otherwise.
his favorite excuse was the line, ‘not this life’. as if, by simply saying these words, he was forever excused for his continued mindlessness, carelessness, and selfishness.
it angered me to see it repeatedly of him. both because it underscored complete lack of care for others as well as set to ruin what good works such words might create in others. people who would embrace such things and become better for them were actively impeded by his hypocrisy, his gleeful pursuit of self in full contradiction to all the words set forth as guidelines for others.
‘do as i say, not as i do’, this, his motto, ever and always.
indeed, it took some effort here not to completely turn from Buddhism itself for his hurtful hypocracies. in the end, that my life and core beliefs so naturally meet its tenets saved me. i am deeply thankful for it, but i think of all those who will never find the Dharma for his actions and i am saddened beyond my ability to convey. such a terrible thing, so many turned completely by him. i still cry, even now, in this moment, for it. he is blithely unaware. yes, this is what angers me still. this is what causes my negativity.
the more i have spoken to the ones who have staggered from that haunted house, the angrier i have become for the impacting his presence and selfishness have created. there are a number of these people who are so deeply wounded by this that outside of apologizing to me, they simply do not wish to remember any of it.
ANY of it.
i struggle here… it is yet impossible for me to forgive him for this turning of so many from any hope of finding the Dharma. and i realize in this moment that my negativity in this area is not as much for my own wounding, as i can clearly see and meet the challenge it presents… my anger here is for those who will add stairs to their spiral as a result of his presence.
yes, i know this is not my fault to bear. yes, i know this is not my responsibility. yes, i know that i judge him on this.
i know as well that my judgment of him holds no weight upon any but myself. it is a stair i add to my own spiral. until such time as i find the way to transmute this anger and condemnation of him for this. i accept it. for now. and i pray for those who his words and lack of action in accord thereto have turned. and i pray even for him, though it is often difficult. may all beings wake. may all benefit be given. may all delusion be stripped away.
and may i find my way to forgive him and then, forgive myself for how unable i am in this moment to find compassion for this embrace of delusion by him.