odd thoughts. ruminating on things. weird week percolating. packing. restless.
i decide the new label ‘for all of it’ will be ‘sudden fixion’. this, a quadruple entendre whose meanings will only be fully understood by me… and him. mostly by me, since he’ll never read this, never consider it, never care.
‘sudden fiction’ is a type of writing that deals with being thrust into a moment. you have no idea what is happening, and you only get to see a snapshot of action. sometimes you get enough to look backward, or forward, and sometimes, you only get that moment.
‘fixion’ was his earliest effort at a creative writing collaboration. it is, i think, the only thing he has ever created that has lasted. i am glad it does so, for his sake. i suspect he will return to it again and again, oasis in the desert, a place where he belongs. i’m glad he has that.
here, it is a reference to that which isn’t real. also a nod to the manner in which his need for deconstruction and control shredded any possible hope of friendship. the fiction of his ability to maintain it, the fixation that insured this was the only possible outcome, together, the ‘fixion’ that is he.
‘sudden fixion’ being an appellation that refers to the rapidity with which things unfolded, the foolishness of vesting any degree of belief in him, or in them whatever, and the ultimate confirmation of many things, most of which relate to the abyss between his words and his actions.
it is, i think, like bubblewrap. layering to cushion what remains until i forget what is under all the plastic. i chuckle for the flash of a thought… long ago, my daughter and i had a ‘rule’ for the house… anything we didn’t touch or think of for six months got donated to charity or thrown out.
i haven’t quite made it six months… yet. but i made it two. and i will, eventually, make six. and more.
when i manage it, i will no longer be angry… or hurt… or wistful. i will no longer wonder ‘why?’ or care for all the possibilities unknown, unexplored, and discarded by him. i will have finally discarded them myself.
six months. i can do this. some day.