archival. tender moments with a friend. reminder of how gentleness should be. remember. remember.
On Sat, January 13, 2007 11:02 am, ****** wrote:
> just dropping you a line, hope you and yours have a good weekend and
> you learn something new. I hope you find something enjoyable to do
> with yourself after you travel the depths of your yourself.
hi there. good to hear from you. (smile)
as difficult as it may seem to believe, i actually do enjoy myself and have a fairly peaceful life on the whole. the blog and such are my outlets for the deep waters. i suppose it often makes it look like i’m a dreary, intensely focused to the point of missing life sort… perhaps in some ways, i am. but i’m working on those, too. 🙂
for enjoyment, i write (of course), i make digital art, i play with my cats, i play online games (mmos, in particular, world of warcraft), i enjoy music and sunlight and the beach, i sleep in when i want to, i drink great coffee, and i make a point of chatting up strangers. (grin) you just never know where you’ll meet your next really good friend.
> What were your dreams as a child?
well now. that’s a deep well. i don’t know how much delving you’ve done at the blog (though i can see by the traffic you have ping ponged pretty well around the place). but there are things here that refer to my childhood. most of those years were very dark and ugly, indeed.
i can’t say i dreamt of much as a child. often of flying. great, movie-like adventures. sometimes i was in them, sometimes i was watching, sometimes i was there, but not as me. if that makes sense.
when i remember my dreams, they are always incredible, vivid, and touching on some level.
but no, i do not always remember them. i try though. especially since i happen to believe that dreams are real and when we dream, we actually walk other lives, other choices, other paths.
> I just been taking one step at a time
> for years…..pretty sad really. But I accept it as what i have
> become.
do we ever take more than one step at a time? sometimes i think i do. but i’m always wrong. usually, it’s when i think i’m really ‘accomplishing something’ only to find out i’ve been running in place. (wry grin)
why are you sad, my friend? you make wonderful sounds. you have the ability to reach out and connect with others. when you do, you make tender, beautiful things bloom. you are with me. here. now. is there some need to run? and if so, why? to what? or from what? i am curious. truly.
> I protect the people around me and I attack problems with no
> regard to my own feelings…..let just say i have won some battles and
> lost some. I have my share of wounds and lessons. Lonely uninspired
> life being that type. Under all the taoism and trying to follow good
> lessons from good teachers through history like….Yeshu’a, Gandhi,
> Martin Luther king Jr, Khan abdul Ghaffar Khan(Badsha Khan), Mother
> theresa…and so on……I still am just as lost as I was.
i guess i am starting to realize i can’t really protect the people around me except perhaps in learning to protect them from me. especially from all my protectiveness. (chuckle) part of the whole ‘i can’t show you. you can’t show me. but if we’re lucky, maybe we’ll see and learn from one another’ thing.
loneliness is hard. harsh. i know it all too well. and the reflex of the dehydrated mind, soul, body, is damned difficult to ignore, let alone successfully manage. i should know, i totally obliterated a truly beautiful friendship for it. more than one over the course of life, but this latest is the one that has been the ‘epiphany’, so it tends to stand out better.
and you know what? i think part of my problem has been trying to follow. not as ‘opposed to lead’… but as ‘counting on someone else’… their wisdom… their insight… their lessons… which so often either aren’t things i can get my head around just yet… or are in a spirit language that touches me, but doesn’t yet reach me. if that makes sense.
some things we just have to do on our own. i don’t always like it. most times i don’t really. frikking work, that. and messy work, too. all the crap in the attic. hah. that reminds me of my daughter. i think i’ve written of this before, somewhere, on the blog….
she’d let her room get so wrecked that even she couldn’t stand it. and i’d let her. and then, i’d sit her in the middle of it and tell her that she wasn’t coming out until it was set right.
five minutes later, sobs from the room. i go to check, she hasn’t moved, she’s still sitting in the middle of the floor, bawling her eyes out. compassion. ‘what’s wrong, sweetie?’ and those chocolate sherry eyes leap to mine and all her despair pours out in a sob that is painful to hear, feel, see, ‘it’s too much!’
and i organized it for her, break it into easily managed sections… then, hug her, smile, tell her i love her, and leave the room for her to do what she must do.
when she comes out, she is smiling, excited, proud and bursting for me to see it, ‘look… mom, come look what i’ve done!’ and i go… and i gasp in surprise and happy acknowledgement… it is always perfect. just right. all things in their right place.
and i hug her. and i tell her i love her. and i tell her what a truly amazing job she’s done. and then… we go get ice cream. or see a movie. or just curl up on the sofa and feel love as we jabber at one another… or watch television.
it’s funny. i speak of that like it still happens. when, in reality, it’s been easily 8 years. but perhaps in it, the point. as much for me as you. reminders. there isn’t a piece of writing i set to the page that isn’t me reminding myself of things.
i’m forgetful. sadly so. but always hoping to improve. i tie the strings of memory to my fingers. great balls of yarn now, i’m a raggedy ann from the elbows down. *chuckle* sometimes, it even works.
> That why i
> want to know do you dream. Maybe that what has held me in
> this ,me,myself, and the world on my shoulders world I always find my
> self in……..
what dreams i’ve had lately are on the blog. i have to admit, i haven’t dreamt much since september. i think there’s too much happening in my head right now for dreams. maybe.
as for the world, when i find it on my shoulders, when i even notice, i laugh at myself, ‘gee, didn’t i say i wasn’t going to carry this silly thing again? atlas is going to get pissed. taking his gig and all.’
in truth, the world carries me. leaf on a river, bouncy rock down the mountainside, feather on the wind, a small spark in the multiverse, flickering fast and often wondering if i ever shine at all.
but i am glad you write to me today. and i am glad that there is any way i can send smiles to you. and i am and remain hopeful that my words might land to bring such smiles as i often find to read yours. seem only fair that should be the way of it. so i really hope it is. (hug)