“Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire. ” – Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
very likely the truest thing i could find in this moment. certainly the most tender. i have found a place where online connections and sharing seem to just continue unfolding, like fractals… amazing stuff, really.
most interesting of all is, i’m barely there. just a ping. what a huge difference it makes to be in a caring, giving environment. which kind of brings me to another thought… someone recently asked me, in the midst of a long, heart-to-heart conversation:
‘why do you choose environments and people who are so negative to and for you?’
i have to admit, it really set me on my heels. i mean. i know why i do it. but i never really turned it around and thought about it that way.
i guess you could say that, for most of my life, i’ve been the ‘stray pet’ woman. the soft touch. you know, the one you could count on for a hobo handout.
i know it must sound stupid, but i see them all and i want to do something. anything. and i guess most times, i haven’t even stopped to think about the ones who not only are there by choice, but who gravitate to people like me with decidedly ill intent.
and i have hurt for it. often. deeply. and usually, without any care or interest on the part of those doing the hurting. mostly because they either couldn’t see it or because it simply didn’t matter to them. their entire focus was on ‘the goal’, ‘the need’, or ‘the need to get over’. which, perhaps, are the same things, if you really think on them.
i think i should have stuck with the stray animals. and likely not set that concept in the frame of people. people very rarely are strays unless they are learning some deep, long-term life lessons. and chances are, all i really accomplish by handing them things is extending the path to that learning… which isn’t a good thing.
it’s odd. there was a time when i would have found that a callous or possibly even cruel thing to say. in this moment, i realize, it is neither. simply true. the difference between a helping hand and a handout is the helping hand is requested and, when given, results in change and benefit for all involved.
wow. you know. i think that is the first time i ever actually saw that clearly.
for all i have said it in so many ways along the way. oh man, i am so often so terribly ignorant. and stubborn. oh boy. stubborn.
let’s see. other ways to say this that i need to remember…. things i know i’ve said before and need to set all together in one place so i will NOT forget them again…
‘if you hear the same, exact thing about yourself from three, different people, chances are, very likely, almost certain, that you’re hearing truth.’
‘if a gift is refused three times, it is no longer worth giving.’
‘no one who claims love will be afraid to say “i’m sorry” when it needs to be said. indeed, love is willing to say it even when there may be no reason.’
‘people who insist there is something wrong with you are usually hiding from something they do not wish to see in themselves.’
‘someone who repays kindness with condemnation, cruelty, indifference, or misunderstanding is telling you they’re still learning how to be kind to themselves.’
‘the things you hate most in others are the things you have yet to fully acknowledge and treat of yourself.’
‘when you truly love, offenses are forgiven when they happen.’
‘when you truly love, offenses are known as such when they happen.’
‘when you truly love, offense is rarely taken, instead, understanding given.’
‘if you want to really help someone else, stop looking for their faults and instead, point out their virtues.’
‘forgive. always. immediately. before being asked when you can.’
‘there’s no such thing as a second chance. there is only the first chance that never expires.’
‘when you can’t do a good thing, do nothing.’
‘if everyone you ever met were really you in disguise, how would that change your reaction to them… and why?’
‘remember. remember. remember until you forget why you do. then remember that what you remember isn’t a sign of what is wrong with them, only what is wrong with you.’
‘someone in need of help is like someone drowning… sometimes their panic will make them hit you. remember the reason you’re there is to help them breath, to live. sometimes, that means being willing to get a few bruises.’
‘whenever you point a finger, you always have at least three pointing right back at you.’ (this, a thing my grandmother used to say to me. it has passed to me with her passing.)
whew. ok. if that doesn’t remind me, i just don’t know what will.