archival.
On Fri, January 19, 2007 12:37 pm, ***** wrote:
> It good to see you eating again. I was little worried about that
> hunger with some of your blogs posts…But it looks like you found a
> delight that tickles your taste-buds….Those pings and pops are just
> jumping of your pages and it good to know that there surely going to
> be a glorious rise coming. I look forward to being a ping or two in
> your clear water. So was being free what you taught it was going to
> be? Also what is your goal with all your work you doing…you may have
> written it, but a fresh look at it may bring a different answer..(grin
> ping)
i like the analogy. yes, i am famished. and there is a feast set before me the likes of which i have not in years seen. i do not know where to begin… it is all so wonderful, tasty, it smells so delightful.
and yet, oddly, i have no ‘desire’ for any of it. there is no one thing that seems better than another, even as it is all sublime and close to awe-inspiring.
the outcome being that i sit and contemplate it, try to apply mindfulness to the matter, determine what i feel most driven to do, and why, so my intentions and actions in the doing can be pure and free. as weird as it may sound, i feel the sense that only if this is the case can any of it possibly hope to find more than abject failure.
and i want for these things to live, to thrive, to reach others and create such sparks in them that will be for them the same as the moment i first opened my eyes and really took in the potential and possibility in it.
i cannot help but think that something amazing is about to take place. and i am at once shuddering with delight and weeping with regret for it. the weeping for a small set of others with whom i so much wanted to share this, and for the reality that it is simply impossible to do so.
water under the bridge. i have loosed it for all i still think of it. but i do not look back. what is, is.
yes, the pings are beyond amazing. recent forays into the community are equally so. i have not felt so connected in years. it is like having the sky open and this little, shining wisp of ??? has floated down, not even touching me, simply breathed upon me and in it, instilled a fullness, a richness, and a pervasive sense of awareness that so completely dwarfs what i thought awareness was before that i’m at a loss of how to explain it.
everyone i meet. every. one. of. them. just astonishing. i don’t even try to stem the tide anymore… and have realized that the only way to manage it at all is simply to float, relinquish, release, and just… be.
the interesting thing is that it actually gets easier the less i try. which seemed very bizarre at first. but it makes a strange sense in this moment.
> Eat When You’re Hungry
>
> Someone asked a Zen Master, “How do you practice Zen?”
>
> The master said, “When you are hungry, eat; when you are tired,
> sleep.”
>
> “Isn’t that what everyone does anyway?”
>
> The master replied, “No, No. Most people entertains a thousand desires
> when they eat and scheme over a thousand plans when they sleep.”
Heh. Man, that reminds me of something. I’ve forever had this ‘thing’ about listening to my body. And it has often caused problems. When I lived in New Jersey, there were days when I just wanted to go lay down and stare at the ceiling, pet my cat, feeling her purring by me, and think.
The people with whom I shared the house simply did not understand it. To the point that, whenever I would do so, they would immediately come ‘check on me’, ask me if I ‘were ok’, or actually become annoyed with me. There were times when the words ‘lazy’ and ‘shiftless’ were tossed at me as if they should mean something.
They never did. And sometimes, I think that is what made them angriest of all.
Same for food. Don’t get me wrong… I enjoy to eat. But there’s a line between enjoying and being engrossed. Though I suppose most who have heard or seen me eat would think I’m the latter. I don’t know… it seems like people have really forgotten how to enjoy life. The “spectacle” of someone doing so almost seems to bother them.
And there are days at the time when I simply do not think about food…and thus, do not eat. Water and perhaps dry toast if I feel the need of it. But it’s more about ‘when hungry, eat’ than following some government approved structure of ‘care and feeding of the human body’. (chuckle)
So yes, I certainly identify with that tale. Thank you for sharing it!
> The Master gives herself up
> to whatever the moment brings.
> She knows that she is going to die,
> and she has nothing left to hold on to:
> no illusions in her mind,
> no resistances in her body.
> She doesn’t think about her actions;
> they flow from the core of her being.
> She holds nothing back from life;
> therefore she is ready for death,
> as a woman is ready for sleep
> after a good day’s work.
>
> TTC 50
I enjoy these, but I often feel as if you’re directing them at me. And I’m here to tell you, I’m nowhere near the level of awareness or balance that something like this item indicates. Honey, I’m ignorant. Really. I’m a clumsy, stumbling goofball of a woman who barely can see two inches ahead, so if I manage to seem wise in any moment, you can rest your certainty that it’s not me knowing a damn thing… just me happening to be fortunate enough to look like it. Heh.
I will admit, that line about ‘not thinking about my actions’ kind of resonates… but only because I often feel that mindfulness is missed here. But I can ‘see through’ that line as well… to the fuzzy reality that there’s no need of/for it… even as it is constantly stressed and underscored… that the truth of ‘being’ is that one just is.
So I’m still kind of confused and unbalanced on that one… seems like a paradox… but since paradox always seems to be the hallmark of truth, that’s actually a comfort.
> P.S
>
> I am happy for you Be 🙂
You are a kind, caring, and compassionate one. I smile for the things of you that bring such short words, small sentences that are so soft, sweet, and touching. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Always and in all ways. (hug)