unexpected-012107.mp3
i have had an experience today that has delivered an insight that is still resonating. compelled to the page, i arrive here, and write of it.
i have a friend. a new and cherished friend. we met through a creative commons. we collaborate. it is a delightful thing in every way. i record things and set them there… they take them and set them to beats and mixes. almost always, it is perfect. perfect in that i listen and find it just as i would have wanted to do it, had i that manner of creative insight. this, a thing i appreciate and delight in of them in every moment.
perfect also in that often, they speak to things i would want to say, had i that wisdom in that moment. so often, they are things that gift me or are balm to me for the manner they say things i cannot manage.
perfect as well for those moments in which they deliver to me insights to myself that were unexpected. especially those insights that arrive like lightening… a flash of insight that takes my breath even as it often restores my breath… a sharp touch of the stick… a tender slice of Manjushri’s sword.
today, my friend decided to use a piece of a piece that i had not chosen to enter to the creative commons. i received the notice of a new song and rushed over to listen, smiling for what i knew would be another wonderful, insightful, and beautiful thing.
and i listened. and i hear that piece. that piece that i had not chosen to set forth. and it was beautiful. and i did love it. but in that first moment, i could not enjoy it either, as i was too busy feeling anger for it being done.
in that moment, the rise of many waves… top and bottom, all four directions, pushing to center, raising me. but in that moment, also, that of me which is not me, detached and empty, from afar, laughing.
which would i choose to listen to? which would be the impetus of action? stormy moment. truly.
little buddha girl laughing from distance, she beckoned me come, sit with her a time. so i did.
she whispered to me of many things…
she pointed out my anger. asked me to dissect it. what were its causes? pride. ego. the feeling of ownership that would say it was wrong for another to take without asking.
she pointed out my ego. asked me to understand it. why was it angry? because something “I” made was being used in a way “I” had not been asked approval for or of.
now we were laughing together. harmonic chuckles. oh, silly ego. oh, silly anger.
she asked me if it were so hard, so very difficult, to grant the benefit of the doubt. but she said it so quickly that all i heard was a new word – grantefit.
it took me a moment to parse that word. to understand it. to grant. benefit. of doubt.
then, we laughed again. and i understood. and any sense of anger melted away.
i wrote to my friend, speaking calmly and gently of these things, and saying why my silly self needed to know they would not tempt my oh so eager anger. asking them please forgive me such pride and ego until the moment in which i could no more find them in myself.
and then… i returned. to the creative commons. to listen to this beautiful gift that this beautiful friend created. and i listened. and i smiled. for it is just as perfect as ever all things are.
and in that moment, this insight arrived. electric. ozone, acrid and sharp. and i trembled with it, in it, and suddenly, needed to write.
to write this. to log it. to press the memory of it into wax. to place it here. remember. remember. remember until you forget why you do. then remember that the reason you remember, has nothing to do with them, only to do with you.
thank you, my friend. thank you.