archival.
I hope this email finds you well and at peace. My name is ******, and I took refuge with you during a teaching at the ******** Sangha meetings in ****** in November 2006.
Since that moment, actually, over the last three months and continuing even until now, there have been waves and waves of things arriving… both around me in life as well as within.
I have been very lost and confused and my own unskillfulness in relating to others has created impediments even in being close to the Sangha of ******. This, a sad thing, because I want very much to find the sense of connection that was felt when first arriving there.
In the meantime, I turn closer to home and will be practicing with ****** in ******. It is considerably closer, so easier to reach. But when I resolve the parts of me that keep me from feeling unable to reach out to *******, I will no doubt return there, too.
I know it may sound strange, but even though I have not had the fortune to spend time speaking with you, I feel as if I have spoken with you in every moment. I have had several dreams in which you were present, and in them, we spoke at length of many things and you have, over these months given me tender, sincere, wise counsel. I am thankful for it. For you. Thank you.
One of the things you instructed me to do in these dreams was to document thoughts and experiences and feelings on my blog. At first, it was very difficult, because it meant setting very intensely personal things into the public eye. It has become easier… though admittedly there are times when I still squirm for it.
I have often wished you could read these things and advise me. Point out where I miss the point… guide and help me with all this ignorance. I feel very ignorant most times. And when I’m not feeling ignorant, I just feel lost. Heh. Then I laugh… because I know neither are real and I’m missing yet another point.
I was going to request an interview with you. But I thought about all the people who want and need to speak with you, and my silly and foolish thoughts just do not seem as important as those who have great suffering and would benefit from being able to speak with you. If not scheduling time means one other gets to have time, that seems a good thing. Also, I seem to be stumbling forward even though I am stumbling… and I suppose as long as I’m moving forward, I’m ok. 🙂
But I would like to give to you the location of my writings and efforts and practice. Of course I do not expect you to read it all. I don’t think anyone could really read it all. Heck, I don’t read it all myself. But there are bits and pieces that have been helpful to me and continue to be helpful to me. I review them to remind myself where my trouble spots are… and make myself really focus on them, be mindful of them, and of my actions, thoughts, words, and such. And it has helped.
I guess I’m looking for direction. Or a cookie. (chuckle) I am a goofball, of course. “I feel like a baby, hey… mom… look… I took a step. Aren’t you proud of me?” And what does a mother say? “That’s wonderful! Yes, I am very proud of you!” But maybe mother would say, “That’s nice, dear, but that’s only one step… and look, there is the top of the mountain. Why are you so proud of one step?”
I suppose mother might say many things. I can’t imagine them all. But I feel they would be good things to hear. So I ask for them. So I might learn. So I might take another step and maybe not manage to be so puffed up and proud for it.
I am sorry. I did not mean to write this much. But once I started, I could not stop.
I am so thankful you are coming to ****** this weekend. Even if I do not get a chance to talk with you, I am thankful that you will be here. I suppose that sounds weird. I am crying. Here. Right now. At work. Hah. I do not understand why I think about you so tenderly all the time when you are away… but when I know you are close or will be close, all I can do is cry. Perhaps you could help me understand this?
Thank you for everything.