this, a conversation carried from another place, had me speaking to another with regard to how i began to discover certain things of ‘self’ and ‘ego’ and ‘pride’ and how to recognize when they were impeding me.
i can only speak from my own experience, but the very act of labeling the acts of others as ‘ill intended’, ‘misguided’, ‘unskillful’, and ‘trying to get over on me’ is very pointedly the self in action. why else would one bother to distinguish? why else would it even matter?
self, instead of saying, ‘what is it about me that causes this reaction in others?’ says, ‘these others are [insert negative adjective here].’
the hardest part of my practice was learning how to ask ‘what is it about me that causes this reacion?’ and then, use those blunt, honest, ‘can’t escape myself’ answers to serve as the foundation for learning.
of course you’re right in that all these others are our teachers. but not just as examples of ‘how not to act’. they are also your teachers in pointing out parts of you that are still holding onto the idea that ‘you’ are somehow supposed to be an ‘important part’ of the equation as yourself.
negativity is no more ‘real’ than anything else. but how i choose to react to it determines if it grows and continues or if it is like fog on water, without effect and incapable of unbalancing me.
to turn your phrase back to you, ‘as long as SELF is the main preoccupation of you in those you encounter, then yes, negativity will flourish.’
the only defense against negativity is equanimity toward it. to refuse to have feelings about it, to turn what feelings are encountered inward and use them to teach yourself instead of foster and encourage and feed it into longer life.
so long as you can still say, ‘they are poison’ and ‘they spoil all they touch’, you’re still discriminating and attaching to things you find ‘good’ and averting from things you find ‘bad’ and that is the only thing causing the negativity in you…. and most likely, the very thing nourishing it in others, too.
we do choose suffering. you. me. them. all. usually because we are lost and confused and we let attachment and aversion lead us instead of taking the time to be mindful and finding the middle way for ourselves.
i honor the labor you are undertaking to find your path. i honor that you’re willing to say things here and be open to the feedback of others. it is hard as hell for me, so i can only imagine how hard it is for others. which makes all things said here very beautiful and special.