bhikkini Tezin Palmo, quotes an unidentified Catholic Priest, who said in relation to her choice of dedicating her efforts toward either undergoing a retreat or building a nunnery:
We are like rough pieces of wood. If we rub ourselves with silk or velvet, it may be nice, but it won’t make us smooth. To become smooth, we need sandpaper.
i hit that statement and it was like a eureka moment. kind of.
the process of actively setting every encounter to internal use as teachings is not hard in process (to identify them as such), but in application? we’re talking 20 grain, folks.
today has been spent being severely abraided, sanded, and then, left to throb.
oddly, there is no more aversion from seeing the lessons. in most cases, it’s just a somewhat weary resignation… ‘oh. there’s another one.’ almost makes me feel like doing the whole ‘get in line’ routine. so many.
the weird part of it all is that i don’t get angry at others anymore. blood pressure stays down, no rocks in the belly, no sense of vindictiveness. if i had to make an analogy… hmm…
it’s like revving up and running at a brick wall. only now, i can actually see it as such just before i hit it.
sometimes, i still smack into the sucker. momentum (pride, ego) or distraction (disgust, judgment) keeping me from managing to avoid doing so.
and it becomes clearer every moment how much of what i react to in others are things i struggle with in myself. which seems at once funny and very sad.
funny because it is, in many ways, an admission that we’re all connected. how else would i possibly, on any level, think it is possible to help myself by knocking someone else over the head for doing something i dislike of myself?
sad because even if that were possible, all it would really accomplish is making them want to knock me over the head, too.
and of course, saddest of all, that i can write all of this and still not manage to do more than make the mistake over and over again.
so obviously, something important in this equation is still missing.
20 grain sandpaper is rough, my friend. it is the grain you use when you’re stripping varnish or removing generations of paint from something.
it digs deep. it gouges. it pulls out chunks.
but like the priest said, if you want to be smooth, free of it all, you don’t pamper yourself with silks and velvets. you grab the 20 grain.
ouch.