have you ever had a moment wherein you could clearly see how the seemingly haphazard chain of events in your life were, upon closer consideration, not at all haphazard?
this is not to say that any one event or series of events ‘has meaning’ of themselves… but that, regardless any event, all events proceed if not in a singular direction, then enough in parallel to it as to deliver it as the transient destination of the moment (the journey as an ongoing event, never ending).
had i not lost my ‘dream job’, i would never have had opportunity to converse with greg about the kind of work i do.
had i never had the conversation with greg, he would never have thought to lobby for my hiring as ‘his’ business analyst.
had i never accepted that job, i would not be where i am (this state).
had i never come to this state, i would not have lost that job.
had i never lost that job, i would not be seeking employment.
had i not sought employment, i would never have found the job i just obtained.
a job that puts me, quite literally, back ‘where i was’ circa 1999-2000, pre-dot.com bust.
i could actually trace it all much further back, but there’s really no need of it. the only constant across any of it is me, being alive and struggling to ‘exist’.
along the way, there have been many lessons on many levels, but in this moment, the most profound one is a deceptively simple statement:
it is pointless to do more than be in any moment, because being is the only way to progress.
that just rocks my brain in its casing. truly. think about it… think about all the struggle we create for ourselves trying to ‘control’ our situation, trying to ‘get a grip’ on things, trying to feel as if we are masters of our destiny.
as if we could be anything other than that, naturally, and without anything more than simply breathing.
i sit here and check that against myself, asking myself, ‘are you any less you if you do not control what happens around you?’
but it seems a silly question, as the answer is obvious. of course i am still me, regardless what happens. regardless what i ‘succeed in’ or ‘fail at’. regardless anything, everything, all things.
everything that happened from 2000 until this very moment happened because i was trying to actively create my own destination instead of accepting that every moment IS ITS OWN destination.
it is a laughable thing, this irony. that i arrive where i am only when i stop sprinting, walking, crawling, and scrabbling to ‘try and get there’.
that i arrive here naturally, effortlessly, and without pain… when all the previous seven years have been little more than abject agony.
but even this is a lesson. just as all of those moments from ‘then’ until ‘now’ have been lessons. i may well have arrived here sooner had i been less eager to ‘get here’. isn’t it ironic? isn’t it funny?
oh! what a vexing thing i am, and for little more than my own need to say ‘i did this.’ ego. pride. hah. as if, in these seven years passed, i ‘created’ anything, ‘managed’ anything, ‘accomplished’ anything except the act of living — breathing and remaining present, alive.
i am so thankful to this stubbornness, this Will, this tenacity. blessings and albatrosses all at once.
in this moment, detached and mindful and free, for the moment, seeing clearly if not fully, i have the thought that this is a thing that should be remembered. so often, it seems like surfacing… i spend much of my time blowing out air bubbles and struggling to reach the surface; most likely impeding myself at every moment in the doing.
and now, when i have done nothing except be, the clouds part, the sun shines, and all things in their right place just… is.
perhaps i will remember this more than this moment. perhaps being able to see it at all is indication of some small increase in ability. i do hope so.
i find it is preferrable, this being. it has been a curious and educational thing, to move through this latest series of circumstances and events without fear, without pain, and without reaching for any of it.
and, for the first time, not to be surprised by the arrival of auspicious things.
life, itself, is an auspicious event. this, my latest thought. just now. hot off the temporal lobes. heh.
i feel a creative surge coming. ending here to let it rise. more soon, i’m sure. *grin*