home at last. a long day. the morning was an early one, up at 5am to be able to travel cross-town in time to meet her at the surgery center by 7am for pre-op checkup. she arrived with her fella, they hugged in the parking lot and then he was off to work. casually dressed, i noted with a small chuckle the ample shirt. pre-planning. i smiled and we hugged before going inside.
the checkup process didn’t take long, and, as expected, her nerves set in at about the time they prepped her with the i.v. — spasm of anxiety shaking her, tears, and dizziness. i helped her with some breathing techniques, but ultimately, they decided to give her a mild sedative. the spasms halting, she smiled sheepishly at me as the nurses left to prepare the operation room.
squeezing my hand, she whispered, ‘thank you for being here. i wasn’t sure if you would be willing to come, since you’re so against this…’ and i was once more reminded of the gap of understanding between us. i leaned in and hugged her and told her, ‘little star, i love you. there are going to be many times when you do things that i would not do, or do not like that you do, but never, never will i stop loving you because of them. i am here because i love you. that’s the way love is…’
we cried together for a time. but it was a good crying. and a tender moment. i am glad for all of it, even as i still think it a poor choice. in the end, it wasn’t just a lesson for her, but for both of us. contrasting and comparing it to other moments, noting the differences, and noting as well the trust between she and i that makes all things possible between us. a beautiful thing. truly.
she came out of the operation flying high, but not groggy. i drove her home and took the opportunity to clean her apartment. heh. forced fluids down her, medicated her when needed, and basically had the chance to once more ‘be the mom’. i can’t say i am anything but thankful for that opportunity.
we were talking about it all and she said to me, ‘you are one of the most opinionated people i know.’ i chuckled and replied, ‘no, actually, i’m sure that i am not… i am merely the most willing to share my opinions.’ we both had a laugh at that. so true. on all levels.
in many ways, this was a healing experience for both of us. i am thankful that the universe delivered it.
she had me leave in the evening, her fella showing up to tend to her and, with the anxiety and nervousness gone, already eager to activate the boundary of independance… but it is not a bothersome thing… i suppose to be the one called on when the fear strikes is a more deep and meaningful thing than to tend to the various aftermaths of life.
still, something of a bittersweet thing to watch her fly. for all i rejoice that she does so.
much of life turns bittersweet of late. i look forward to the moment in which it brings the next flavor. and i soothe myself gently with the thought that it is a good thing to look forward and not grasp for the future. contentment. an enjoyable thing. may it last.