i am mildly astonished how peaceful i am in this moment. somewhere in the last two days, i’ve lost the anvil and almost all the related feelings. perhaps it is merely a temporary lull, but i try not to question it too closely. the relief in it is a thing i would prefer to savor a time. stars. am i working my way toward happiness in life? what a concept. (chuckle)
last night somewhat of my own effort to closure, a thing that was found last week in the virtual world but was not yet made real in the real one. perhaps this is the thing that finds me anvil free and light-hearted. i needed to reconcile to myself the two sides of feeling in this… and to say to him that, for all i feel hurt and anger and sorrow and disbelief, i also retain the more delicate and beautiful feelings and that, given the choice of condemning him as i feel he has me, i choose instead to remember the good, move through the bad, and let it go.
i do not have it in me to condemn him for his humanity. how could i, and have even a shred of ground upon which to stand?
regardless the manner in which he does things, i do not believe he intends to be a careless person. it is a bittersweet thing to realise that many ways in which, for all our intentions, humanity often impedes.
it feels good to see that, somewhat from the ‘outside looking in’, setting myself outside the frame and gently setting it all into a transparent box, buffering myself and removing the need to be angry. from here, i can see a good many things and most of them are a snarl of irony and bad timing. it is to laugh sometimes for how the universe demonstrates the manner in which lessons unlearned keep us from many things.
outside the crystal cube of those memories and experiences, perhaps i am able to find the center and balance needed. a good thing. a happy thing. last night was to place this little box upon the shelf of memory… a long hallway with many doors and many rooms, all of them filled with containers of various size and color and each with its own meaning…. archives of the mind, a labryinth. i smile for the memory that stirs, and turn quietly from the niche holding this latest addition… they will be kept safe in this place, and i can at last begin to move through it.
a good and peaceful day. i am thankful of it.