i am going through a phase where i have more than a little doubt about buddhism as i hear it from others. all these traditions, and they are no less contradictory than any other system in the world. it is somewhat disappointing and almost painful. there is still more in this than anything else i’ve ever encountered, but all the rules and requirements seem little more to me than the very illusion and manifestation of samsara that it all seems to warn against… lost in administrivia, it seems.
i am disenchanted with some of the forums i’ve been following for the manner in which people seem more interested in beating one another over the head with how ‘advanced’ they are in relation to others. when it isn’t this, it’s people tossing about pali and sanskrit and stars only knows what else and not really caring if they’re understood or not. all about the ego of their ‘knowing’. i feel ignorant enough as it is.
‘spiritual materialism’ is the phrase Trungpa used for it. i don’t want people to agree with me. i don’t want people to think i’m smart. i don’t want people to look at me for ‘answers’, i don’t have any. i just want to understand. want to feel like i can even begin to feel as if i might have half a clue about anything whatever.
i begin to understand the wisdom of inner refuge. i also begin to understand that looking to other humans for insight at all might not be the means by which to find it. which brings me back to the whole ‘yougaddadoodisanddat’ thing i keep seeing and hearing all around me. i don’t get the whole ‘must have a teacher’ thing. why does there have to be some translator between me and the universe? i’ve never needed one before… the universe and i, we connect. we have it like that. even when the fertilizer is all over the ventilator, i’ve always felt and known this. it is the one thing that has saved me. literally.
people come and go. events occur. happiness passes. pain fades. all things change. the only constant is change. impermanence. paradox, but not painful. just is.
the strange poem of last night… it has been in my mind all day. researched it from work. when i found what some of those things meant, i sent them to someone who could benefit from hearing at least part of it. may it benefit.
but here i sit… empty and reactionless to things that others tell me “should” mean something to me. i’m not arrogant enough to think this might mean i’m beyond it all… nor am i willing to think i’m missing that much of a clue. somewhere in the middle is the answer. going to meditate on it tonight. maybe for a few nights. i feel like there is something important hovering on the tip of my mind. reaching slowly, intend to hold without holding and see if it might reveal to me.
for now… nothingness. i float. there’s comfort in it.