talking to my friend tonight (uk), they asked me a weird question. several, actually, but this one made me think about it long after the phone call ended.
they know all about the little boy, the circumstances relating thereto, and the events that lead to the turning. we were discussing other things all together when out of the blue, they ask me, ‘so ok, you’ve set him aside and are moving on. does that mean you don’t care about him anymore?’
why is it someone would assume such a thing? it boggled me. the whole situation with regard to the boy was insanely convoluted practically from day one. it never really improved. and in the end, i didn’t turn because i didn’t care. i turned because anyone who could take an expression of worry and concern and use it to accuse me of everything from harrassment to stalking is not someone i need to be spending any more time around.
i never really wrote about this. here, almost a month later, maybe i should.
in retrospect, i am surprised i didn’t truly blow my stack at that boy long ago. so many times he took advantage of demonstrated care to insult and accuse. i think about that now and the long, long list of such things just rolls through my mind. half the time, it seemed he forgot what he told me almost as soon as he uttered it.
this last moment found him insisting i had no way to know certain things about his current life… despite the fact that less than a month prior, he told me himself what he would be doing if it didn’t shape up… and fast. add to this, communication from mutual friends (unasked for and eventually i had to tell them i just don’t want to hear about him anymore) was in play.
but could he possibly look for any alternate explanation? of course not. immediately the accusation. immediately distrust and suspicion. and yes, after all this time and all that had transpired and all the times i never had to do a thing, but chose to because i cared… that he could still find his way to such horrific, wilful, hurtful, and distrustful things finally got through to me.
it was always about suspicion with him. oddly so. as if he just could not believe it was possible for someone to care just because they can and are willing to do so. admittedly, there was a time (around march or so) when i thought there could be more than friendship with that boy. but it quickly became evident that his inability to trust and his insistence upon forever looking for things to misunderstand and use as accusations of anything ranging from ulterior motivations to outright deception were too great for me to even contemplate trying to overcome.
the remainder of the time i knew him was spent in a weird process of attempting to convince him i just wasn’t interested like that anymore. i say weird because i don’t think i’ve ever had to try and convince someone that i meant it when i said i just wanted to be friends.
eventually, the boy managed to slaughter even that interest. it is one thing to be cut up because someone’s in a panic and reflexes get in the way, quite another to be deliberately accused of something so alien that you wonder how in the world they even managed to reach such a malignant thought.
and of course, the final insult was the assumption that, after receiving such an accusation, i would possibly be interested in ever speaking to them again… it really floored me to realize just how low this boy held me… and in that moment, it finally dawned on me how utterly emotionally stunted and impacted he really was… and how impossible it is to even contemplate the idea of anything remotely resembling a normal, healthy friendship with him.
i couldn’t begin to think of how to convey to him what he had done with such thoughtless words. in the end, i just thanked him for the gifts given in that last email, gave him the first and only True Vow i’ve ever uttered, and wished him all the best.
it doesn’t mean i just ‘stop caring’. i think i’ll always care about and for him. it just means there’s a level of respect and mindfulness required for any friendship to sustain, and that boy did not, does not, and perhaps never will have the wherewithal to manage it. i actually KNOW that and trust me, the knowing makes all the difference in the world.
what trust he held he was all too eager to shattered utterly. he does not deserve to be given things he has no sense of how to nourish. in the face of such adamant carelessness, lack of mindfulness, and self-absorption, the only sane response is rejection.
i have to admit, it feels good not to hurt anymore. and it feels good to know he no longer has access to continue being hurtful. but most of all, it feels good to look at it and know that despite his inability, i gave fully and well… and in the end, that’s the most anyone can ever really do.