sitting here listening to Conjure One, slowly going through moments and memories of this year, preparing to release some to the universe, carefully archive others, and set a few into a mental vase for continued enjoyment.
oddly, over the last few days, i have had thoughts of one who has been (thankfully) out of mind for weeks. i’m not sure if it is all the change happening here, the arrival of circumstances that bring remembrance, a shift in mindset, or perhaps a combination of all three.
it is curious to be this detached in reviewing such thoughts. so much of it all was pointless effort toward an impossible goal. i think of how my present moment might be so much different had those moments not been… but its all detail, administrivia… the lessons learned (and given) were worthy things.
i find i am less achingly lonely than i’ve been in some time. this, an outcome of V’s torture and killing of fear as well as reminders of late that a large part of being lonely is failing to appreciate the peace and quiet that comes with solitude.
i wonder if i will ever reach a point where humanity and aspiration will co-exist peacefully. i think it must be impossible, which brings a feeling of frustrated impotence. sometimes i think i would rather have been blissfully ignorant than as i am. if only i could reach the switch and flip it off. heh.
oh Conjure One…
…it’s broken me down now
this hurting is hopeless
can’t look to the future
the window is stainedcan’t feel you anymore,
don’t believe you anymore,
don’t need you anymore,
i don’t need you anymore…
it is weird not to feel it anymore. feel him. cushion of illusion settling into place… can’t tell if it is a blanket or a wall. suppose it doesn’t matter.
i do, of course, realize that until i no longer need to talk about it, it isn’t really over. working on it. i do wish i had learned somewhere along the way to be so easily able to just shut others out. would save me a lot of pain. don’t suppose i’m meant to work that way.
i find i both resent and envy those who can do so. obvious reasons for each, really.
do i want to become the kind of person who could do so? not really. i just want to not hurt. human, i suppose. which is kind of the weird part. i take on so much hurt so others can feel relief. i sometimes wonder where that one is who would do the same for me. if such a one even lives.
odd little snippets of thought, they float and bob like sea monkeys. the net of conscious thought drifts lazily, swirling more than seeking active capture. watching the bubbles rise… and wondering about everything… and nothing at all.