i have been staying up waaay too late recently. sleeping in too late as well. i’ve got the ends of the day all snarled up. coffee at noon as i pop out more resumes and consider various options. late night conversations with distant friends who suddenly find me awake when they are (time zones being what they are, you know).
the cats are complacent, happy i’m home. of course, they’ve got the cush life, so if i’m here to pet them as well, it’s icing. i chuckle. oh, to be a cat.
tomorrow is laundry and groceries and the newspapers. i decide if i am going to truly make the transition out of I.T. into secretarial/administrative work, it is almost going to have to be direct hire. the agencies simply will not believe me when i say this is a goal. kind of sad, really. everyone can understand wanting to make more money, no one can understand wanting to simplify and streamline your life. bizarrely backwards, isn’t it?
i’m tired of the instability and flux of the technologies industry. i no longer wish to consult. i had thought to make a career of gaming, but in talking with several companies of late, the similarities to what i know of I.T. are startling. enough so that i no longer pursue the openings.
i think also of the books i can write in the spare time i will have in giving up the rat race and ‘upward mobility’. i smile for it. maybe even that sculpting class, or the certification i was looking at seven years ago.
or perhaps at long last, college. who knows? i smile for that, too.
i wrote a bit of a piece today about the meaning of the guild name. i think it is the first time i ever set to words what i see and aspire to in that effort. timely, really. i find myself wondering if i had set those words out sooner, what might have come of it…. if anything.
someone told me last night that i am a catalyst. i laughed to myself for it. oh yes, this i know. have known. continue to know. but it is interesting, because in that moment, to be a catalyst was a good thing. perhaps it always is, but it certainly doesn’t always feel like it is. they were talking about how they have watched people actually become better people as a result of being there.
they try to attribute that to me. hah. no. thank you. that is not my doing. such choice is actively made and consciously pursued. i have no power in such things. they insist it only happens due to my presence. i am not willing to agree with that, either. if i have any direct role in what they find, it is not for anything more than working to set space in which such choices are more attractive or at the very least, not punished.
oh, that talk went on for a good two hours. they badger me to ‘take credit’. it is not mine to take. choices are made by individuals. but i will not lie, to see these choices made brings a smile. it is good that people find peace and security enough to feel safe to make more gentle, caring choices.
my not-so-secret hope is that such things take root and grow well beyond the place in which they are seeded. i believe such things are not only possible, but very likely unavoidable. that thought brings a smile as well.
i think for a brief moment on the first, fallow season. but it passes, and i smile yet again… the analogy holds true and in it, comfort… all cultivation sees a fallow time, after which growth may be had. i smile once more because, like the farmer, i begin at last to forget the despair of finding first that fallow soil. i begin to forget in the face of this bountiful season. .. and while fallow times come, they also pass, and i learn to take comfort in the cycle rather than its phases.
i smile because i learn.