caught your livejournal entry. you really should do those more often… enjoyable to see new ones.
had a few bad days here. my eyes are really hurting today. did a lot of crying last night. the whole heath thing was all over me again. sticky stuff. m showed up on the 4th and talked to me a while and just brought it all back in spades.
spent about four hours last night talking to p (voice) on im. huge help. i’ve been so afraid to really just… talk to him.. shrink phobia from years past. i’m so glad i took the opening he offered. a good guy. a good friend. i feel very blessed.
miss talking with you, but am happy for your absence, knowing it means you’re putting attention and focus where it needs to be. i do hope it is going well.
not much else to report, really. i have a fingerprinting and verification appointment with a government agency on the 10th. opening for seasonal work that i will take, since it could go permanent, i’ll get unemployment again if it doesn’t, and it’s government work… so either way, it isn’t going anywhere.
in other news, my daughter starts her vocational training on the 9th. she’s going to be a massage therapist. heh. i dare not think i might actually get a good massage from it. *grin* so proud of her. and finally starting to come to terms with the empty nest.
big breakthrough last night, really. i have been somewhat boggled over how i got sucked into the whole heath thing, knowing him to be dysfunctional. occurred to me last night that i was vulnerable because i came back thinking my daughter and i were going to go back to ‘the way it was’… only she’s growing up, she’s never going to need me like she used to… and when heath came along with that big ol’ bucket of need… i was just… hooked.
silly, really. i let myself be really abused by him. i also realized that what i loved about him wasn’t him, it was the potential i could see in him. which isn’t really love at all, is it? more like idealism. boy, and isn’t that just me up and down… idealist.
but it’s all good, because for the first time in months, i went to bed feeling lighter… and the crying wasn’t something to be angry about anymore… just me accepting that it is what it is… and finally letting it go. really letting it go. which feels damn good, i must say.
i wrote m back and told her i didn’t want to hear anything else about heath. not only this, that i wanted to make it clear he is no longer welcome here. i don’t want or need the dysfunction and i have finally made the choice to get past it. i feel very good about it. very good indeed.
i think the best part is, i’m being honest with myself. this isn’t the denial of before, where i say i’m moving on, then spend my nights aching for something that just wasn’t going to happen. this is really accepting it, and my own motivations and mistakes in it, and understanding fully that not only did i not deserve that mess, that i can and will someday find someone worthy of all the things i have to give.
so yeah, it feels pretty darn good. and i wish p were closer so i could hug the breath out of him. he really went above and beyond for me in this, and i am so very humbled and thankful to call him a friend.
as far as wow news goes… i splurged and pre-ordered bc, the collector’s edition. got it fairly cheap, and i refuse to feel guilty for doing it. so there. heh. the guild continues to thrive, and i’m actually playing a little less… realizing as well that i don’t have to babysit it 24/7… which is nice.
hah. i didn’t mean this to be quite this long. anyway. that’s all for now. hello to a and d and hugs to you all. best and warmest wishes for continued closeness, communication, and care.