had a brief and interesting exchange with a friend today. this one, recently gone to ‘radio silence’ in order to see to things that have long since needed their attention on the home front.
i had followed up with my usual ‘checking in’ note, sending well wishes and such, and the reply was along the lines of ‘sorry, can’t really talk to you anymore’. not those words, but the same meaning.
it’s odd. i thought i would be upset, hurt. i’m not. it is something that was expected, really. i had actually told them some time ago it likely would come to pass. and it’s good that priority is set where it should be for them.
but what was most odd was the way they used words very similar to another. almost precisely the same. for a moment, the two very different people stood in my mind’s eye and spoke in stereo. each saying the same thing about how friendship transcends time and distance.
one of them knew they were lying and said those words knowing they didn’t mean them. the other thinks them true, but doesn’t realize how time and distance eventually frays all connections.
different circumstances, the same words, the same eventual outcomes. odd. very odd. but somehow, comforting. hard to explain.
i just wrote them back and told them it was a price i’m used to paying… and still worth it. to watch them drift away isn’t painful, because they are smiling and looking to that which brings them and those around them happiness. i won’t regret that. how could i?
someone told me recently that i have a high level of self honesty. yeah. i know. sucks sometimes, really. but saves me thousands on mental health bills and more than a little pain in life.
but sometimes, i admit, i wish i could find the way to less of it. it isn’t always easy. i think for a moment about the man who doesn’t exist… and wonder if he’s the same way. i’m betting he is. maybe by the time i meet him, i’ll be willing to reach for someone who isn’t already on a path moving away from me.
here’s to hoping.