this piece took a hell of a lot longer than it will look like it took. layers of symbols and meanings that run deep… close to the bone.

the extremism of self is, i think, reflected most perfectly in the actions, mindset, and eagerness of the martyr. they have no one race, culture, or belief system. they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. they are most easily identified by the manner in which they defame that which would be selflessness by using its appearance to commit the most selfish of acts or achieve the most selfish of ends.

sometimes, i am so ashamed of myself that it is hard to breathe. and at the same time, i’m angry with myself for asking so much OF myself. i’ve been carefully, slowly unwrapping myself over the last three years. the process has been greatly accelerated thanks to the events of 2005, 2006, and the encounter with Buddhism. i have an issue that is core. and i’m not sure how to resolve it. i’m not sure i can.

the topic came up elsewhere and for the first time in a very long time, what i was thinking i was actually willing to say. the question was ‘why do people think it’s so bad?’ granted, vagary at its best… all the same, i think it’s common enough that the sense and meaning are implicit. so. my answer.

written on 04-06-2006, read, re-read, agonized over, almost sent, saved, deleted from mail, returned to mail, meditated upon, removed from mail and finally placed here… a pebble in the abyss on 04-06-2007.

stumbled on this at someone’s page and found myself in that odd spot of ‘could have written it’ and ‘wish i had’. so. placing it here.

woof. busy day. on all levels.

la brea indeed.

la brea is bulging. big ol’, thick, goopy thoughts that haven’t quite finished forming. i’m trying to figure out ‘what’s coming’ but that’s rather hopeless. doesn’t work that way.

well. today certainly lived up to its most fierce reputation as the eater of human brains and general evilest day of the week.