well. whew. glad that’s done. ladies, don’t let anyone fool you, 40+ hormones are hell. i’m terrified of menopause. in the good news department, i’m not a hipster. (whatever that is.) linking through the livejournals of my friend, P, i run into several of the kids i used to run ‘chat mom’ for at the old INDEX BBS system. they’re all grown up. wowsah. but one of them had this link to this quiz. so ok, i took it. and it tells me i’m not a hipster. hurray.

so afraid of endings that you leave it all behind screaming to think of death ironically ending all the time

quoting me to myself, i’d laugh, but i’m too busy crying: “to see it all and realize this and know it is a choice freely made in every moment.” speaking of choices, specifically, the choice to suffer. i need to remember this and pull it more deeply into me. i need to understand fully why i choose to suffer for him, for the other four, and i need to find a way to choose differently. i do not know how to do so in this moment. so instead, i note this to myself, an underscore of sorts. remember this. speak […]

finally having slept, as usual, i wake in the early hours and am restless. one book of the ‘Crown of Stars’ series is read. i really should use the library instead of the bookstore. the rate at which i devour books is … well, many things, really, but it makes their purchase rather unreasonable, i think.

finally home. today was an exercise in overcoming/breathing through frustration. and possibly accepting that this job is not what is intended for me.

we came home, i don’t know from where. we were both tired. bone tired, tired like ready to lay down and die. my grandmother was there. she had fallen alseep in the chair. you fell upon the sofa, arm over your eye, face to the back, immediately passed out, asleep. i flopped alongside you. curling in toward, you seeking comfort. head on your chest, listening to the steady beat of your heart. immediate passing into sleep. escape. relief. only we both knew better.

listened to your many voices so many thousand miles away endured your many choices all the things you’d never say

going through old screenshots, emptying the archives, uploading those i wish to keep. i came across one that brought a smile… it was the moment that i knew things were going to be ok, and the moment in which i realized just how great a gift the universe sent to me in Heath.

continuing my work on identifying how items from ‘the list’ of another’s behaviors created negativity in me, why they did, and how i might transmute that to more positive ends, this, a contemplation of item number 6, accusations.

insomnia. bleh. but it turned to a good end. i finally watched a movie given as a gift, one i have been meaning to watch for some time as i enjoy jim carey’s overblown caricatures almost as much as i enjoy his more serious roles. this one, an adaptation of a young adult’s book by an author i’ve never read, with the curious name of ‘Lemony Snitcket’, the title of the book ‘An Series of Unfortunate Events’.